Juno

Soooooo last Saturday in New York saw me checking out Grand Central Station. All the times I've been to the city I've never seen this place except on movies. My goodness, it's breathtaking!




I guess the closest we've got is the revamped St Pancras, but as lovely as that is, it really can't hold a candle to the gorgeousness of Grand Central! If Euston Station looked like this we'd never complain about trains being late!



After that I went to collect my fabulous new Chanel reading glasses which needed a bit of adjustment, then headed downtown to Chelsea and SoHo. I saw the photographer Annie Leibowitz - the one who upset the Queen - with one of her kids. I'm a huge fan of her work but couldn't bring myself to interrupt her Saturday by telling her so.

I spent ages on Bleecker Street in all the little boutiques, including Marc Jacobs' shop which sadly didn't have any one thing I loved enough to buy.

The Coach handbag shop however did! I got the most amazing white leather messenger bag for the summer. Number 3 of a limited edition of 42, made from one huge piece of leather with real rose gold trimmings!

I wandered back uptown to Times Square and feeling in need of a sit down after all the walking, I went to the movies. With no real idea of what I fancied seeing, I randomly selected Juno. It was the best choice I coulda made! It's due to open here soon, and when it does get yerself along to see it! It's one of the sweetest, sharpest, funniest movies I've seen in a loooooong time!

The star, Ellen Page, is just brilliant, and once you come to terms with the guy who played Schillinger in OZ being a nice guy, as her dad, you'll love it as much as I did!

The Color Purple

Or as we would spell it, The Colour Purple!



So there I was, wandering back to the hotel from my wonderful visit to MoMA last Thursday afternoon and I happened to look up and see that I was outside the Broadway Theatre, where The Color Purple was on. Huge letters informed me that Chaka Khan was in it as well as BeBe Winans, and that it was presented by Oprah Winfrey.

Thinking I had a snowball's chance in hell, I wandered up to the box office and asked if they had any spare single tickets for tonight's performance. Musta been fate, cos they had what is called Rush Tickets, which were front row seats, for $26.50! I looked at the price list on the wall and saw that other front tickets were upwards of $120 each, and damn near snatched the man's hand off in my haste to get one of these bargain tickets.

Three hours later I was back and taking my seat that was so up front I was practically on the stage! I was so excited, here I was about to see my first Broadway show, and it was something I really, really wanted to see!

As the lights went down I was beside myself with anticipation, and two and a half hours later when the lights went back up, I was exhausted! What an incredible show!!!!!!!

Chaka Khan plays Sofia and plays her brilliantly. Her voice is fabulous, waaaay better than the last time I saw her perform live at the Hammersmith Odeon back in the mid-80's. Every single cast member is amazing but Zonya Love who plays Celie just took my breath away. Her acting, her singing, her presence, just blew me away and moved me to tears several times!

It was one of the most awesome nights I have ever spent being entertained anywhere in the world, and when it comes to London, I'll be there to see it again. If you get a chance to go, do, cheap tickets or full price, its worth every penny!

Size Frickin 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A year ago I was waiting to get my gastric bypass, and whenever anyone asked me what size I wanted to get down to I'd joke and say size 0. At the time I was a size 26, so to be really honest any number with a one instead of a two in front of it would've made me very happy.

Almost twelve months on, and 10 stones off, I have exceeded my wildest dreams when it comes to weight loss, and last Thursday as I wandered into Abercrombie and Fitch on Fifth Avenue, I had no idea of what excitement was to come.

I picked up a couple of hoodies and then asked the very gorgeous, very disinterested girl on the women's jeans counter if I could try on a pair of size 28 jeans - that's 28" waist, not 28 as in one size up from 26 - she told me that was a size 4 in the US, and handed me a pair of skinny distressed jeans.

I wandered up to the first floor changing rooms, the hoodies fitted no problem, the jeans however, were very loose. I asked the changing room assistant what she thought, and she said I needed a size smaller at least.

I went back down to Ms Moody-drawers and asked her for a size 2, she looked at me and handed em over, I went back to the changing room, not for a moment expecting them to fit. Bugger me! They fit, and fit comfortably!!!!! No muffin top or owt!!!!!!!

I am a bleeding size 2, two inches away from a size 0!!!!!!!! How fucking insane is that??????

I love it!

The Most Gorgeous New Building in NYC

Sunday morning saw me make a pilgrimage, in temperatures of -5F, down to West 18th St and 11th Ave to see this amazing creation.

Designed by the godlike Frank Gehry, it's just a vision of perfection!



I love it, love it, love it!

Back Home

Wow what a fabulous time I had in New York!

Got loads to write about, and a fair old few photos to post but a bit too knackered to do it all in one hit tonight.

Suffice to say, I had the most wonderful trip, the hotel was great, the weather fantastic, the shops full of goodies that all seemed cheap cos of the exchange rate, the people fascinating and the culture incredible!

Best of all? I am here seven days on, still a non-smoker! Yay for Allen Carr - may he rest in peace.

Valencia

So the dust has settled from my holiday, washing's all done and my case is back in cupboard till the next trip.

On the domestic front, my furry little visitor seems to have scarpered, probably to a flat with more food in it!

The holiday was just what I needed, constant sunshine, a nice dry heat of 34 degrees every day, a city small enough to explore on foot, but not too claustrophobic.

I picked possibly the best hotel in the world ever for my needs, it was attached to a huge shopping mall with all the best Spanish shops - El Corte Ingles, Zara, Mango etc etc - yet only two minutes walk to the old town. The beach was a 25 minute bus ride away, but the bus stopped right outside the hotel. Perfect!

It's always a risk booking a hotel online, you never know how much of the blurb to believe, but this lived up to the hype. It was only 3 stars, and the rooms were pretty basic - it was kinda like yer average Holiday Inn - but the rooftop pool was fabulous. The breeze up there on the 12th floor meant I could stay in the sun far longer than I would normally, as a result I came home with a tan from only three days' of proper sunbathing.


A random bit of street art.

I got a little culture fix too, visiting IVAM, Valencia's modern art gallery. It didn't have the greatest collection in the world, but they had an exhibition by a two artists who go by the name of Equipo Cronica. I'd never heard of them before but absolutely loved their stuff. Their inspiration comes from a vast range of sources, old masters, Picasso, Warhol, and they put their own spin on it...a little bit Banksy in a way. They even have their own version of the Edward Hopper Nighthawks painting!

The seafront was just gorgeous, not overly developed, tho there was a little market selling the kinda crap you buy when you've had the sun on the back of your head for far too long, tie dye, bits of shells on leather thongs etc, and only a few bars and restaurants. I had lunch in one of them and it was just the most blissful experience. Munching on fresh calamari and salad, looking out at the golden sands of a half empty beach and actually being able to hear the sea washing up on the shore.

I visited the much lauded City of Arts and Sciences, which Valencians are hoping will do for their city what the Guggenheim did for Bilbao. The buildings are beautiful, its like one of those pictures you saw as a kid of how we'd all be living in the Space Age. There's an Oceanarium, a Science Museum and a Concert Hall, as well as lots of gorgeous spaces to just sit and take it all in.



The shopping was fabulous and this is the first time I've been away and really been able to buy whatever I liked from any shop. I didn't have to scour the place for the one fat birds' shop. Got a gorgeous leather jacket from Zara (cheaper than it would be here) and a brilliant pair of black patent DM's from Mango, and of course, a beautiful gold leather bag from El Corte Ingles.

All in all, a perfect way to recharge my batteries before winter kicks in.

Back in the YoooooooKaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!

Back from a little bit of Spanish sun in Valencia and home to a nasty surprise, a small furry creature has taken up residence in the flat while I've been away and it seems to like coconut cream cos it gnawed its way through the cardboard box and dragged the foil wrapped contents off to it's little hidey hole somewhere in the gaff!

Too late to ring Rentokill tonight, but I'm gonna have to call them in the morning. I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep for worrying about the little f**ker running across my face while I'm asleep!

Full trip report to follow when I've removed my flatmate!

A Brilliant Time

Got back from my blitz on Edinburgh late last night, and I can honestly say its the best time I've ever had up there!

Ok so the weather was a bit manky - mainly cold - but at least it was dry. Everything else about it was fantastic!

My bestest comedy chum Stephen K Amos had a room in his lovely flat all for me, and the flat was pretty close to the action so no queuing at 3am for a cab home. His show 'More of Me' was just amazing, the best I've ever seen from him. He's so comfortable onstage and just a joy to watch. There's lots of laughs, some serious bits, just brilliant!

I also saw this year's 'comedians can act too' play, Breaker Morant with a cast that includes Nick Wilty, Rhys Darby, Alastair Barrie, Adam Hills, Brendon Burns, Mike Hayley and the fantastic Alan Francis, plus some comics I don't know including Sammy J who's creating a bit of a buzz for his solo show and who was fab as the nervy lawyer.

I also saw the divine Jason Wood in a play called Unnatural Acts with Jessica Martin. It's his first acting role and he was wonderful.

I saw a show by a new (to me anyway) comic called Tom Allen who was very funny and entertaining. I also got to see one of my all-time fave comics Mickey Flannagan doing his first solo show. Having worked loads with Mickey I knew a lot of the material but believe me that didn't detract at all from my enjoyment! It was sheer bliss being able to spend an hour being entertained by him. He's f**king brilliant!

When the nominations were announced for the new Perrier awards yesterday, I was thrilled to see Mickey in the running for Best Newcomer...he deffo should win it!

I even got a bit of culture in the form of the National Gallery of Scotland's big show, the Andy Warhol retrospective. There were some amazing pieces, the skull paintings in particular, and stuff I'd not seen before including the room full of paintings for children, hung at child height. Brilliant.

I partied a bit and managed to see just about every comedian I've worked with ever, Phil Jupitus, Johnny Vegas, Alan Carr, Jimmy Carr, Sean Hughes, the Puppetry of the Penis guys, Marcus Brigstocke, everyone! By the time I got on the train back to Kings X yesterday evening I was exhausted! I was also extremely stoked full of compliments. Everyone I saw didn't recognise me, and everyone told me how fabulous I'm looking!

Best of all I came away with a desire to do a show of my own. This is the first time I've ever felt like that. I've even got an idea that just could work...here's hoping!

Oooooooh Edinboro!!!!!!!!!!

To quote the blinding Sean Cullen song.

I'm off! Wardrobe sorted - going for cold weather option with removable layers -bag packed and 48 hours of fun and socialising all sorted.

I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Six Days Later

Back from Hong Kong, been in the house a couple of hours and already unpacked and got the washer started.

Feeling absolutely exhausted due to extreme lack of sleep, but have to say I just had the most amazing time!

Great company in the form of John Fothergill, Pierre Hollins and John Moorhead, great gigs, incredible shopping and a fabulous city!

Will write more when I can string a proper sentence together!

Gay Pareeeeeeeeeee

So Wednesday morning saw me up really early - 7.30am!!!!!! Not sure why I woke so early, but made good use of it by getting my now middle-aged ass outta bed and into the shower, after I'd done my morning exercise regime. I do squats, crunches and all kinds of stretching every morning, just as well really with the amount of walking I'm doing here.

I switched my phone on and it dinged with a couple of 'Happy Birthday' texts. I'm not really one for making a huge fuss of my birthday anymore, I used to be - when I was young - but I had a day of treats planned that really meant something to me, so yes I intended to have a very Happy Birthday.

I got my credit card out of the case, and headed off to Galleries Lafayette to buy myself a 'little present'. It might sound ridiculous but the weight loss has shown itself in all kinds of weird places, not least of all on my wrists. I am a sucker for a good bit of silver, but the bracelet I'd been wearing for the last couple of years was now far too big and heavy looking on my new delicate wrists, so there was a definite goal of getting something nice to celibrate this.

I found it within about 15 minutes of entering the store. To be honest I spotted it last night, but I was still a bit apprehensive as to whether it would fit. Most bracelets don't. I have a couple of Tiffany ones that I've bought over the years and both of them had to be made bigger at extra cost before I could wear them. I tentatively held my arm out and let the saleslady put it on...blimey it fits and it ain't even tight! It's also very gorgeous, so I wouldn't even let her put it in the box, I wore it out of the shop.

Outside the shop there were loads of stalls selling all kinds of tat, and one of them caught my eye too, selling fake 'Chanel' rings. Now rings are another thing I've had to have made over the years, unless I wanted to just wear em on my little fingers. I found this really over the top white ceramic and 'diamonds'. That fit too and at 20Euros seemed a bargain. It really is huge and ostentatious, I swear I am turning into Liberace in my advancing years!

Shopping over it was time to head to the Louvre and brave the crowds. Blimey there were some crowds too! The place was heaving. I'm sure its very uncultured of me, but while I can appreciate the grandeur of the old buildings, I M Pei's glass pyramid was the part that made me a bit moist! it's a stunning structure, made all the moreso by the contrast with the ancient buildings that surround it. Once inside it was really difficult to appreciate the works on display due to the amount of tourists swarming around, the noise levels were unbelievable. Decided to just go see 'the' painting and get the hell out.

I was shocked by how small it was! I always imagined the Mona Lisa to be this enormous piece, but it really is quite tiny. Bit like when you see famous people in the flesh and they are always smaller than you imagined. There was a massive queue to get remotely close to it, which didn't seem to be going down at all, so I crept along the side of the queue and checked it out. It was almost like 'ticked that one off the list of things to do'. It was more interesting watching the guards getting really quite aggressive with the Japanese tourists who were taking photos of it, illegally.

I practically ran out of the Louvre, back up into the sunshine and found a little cafe for a much need coffee and a smoke. Refreshed, I headed up to Monmatre on the Metro to visit the Salvador Dali gallery. I got off the train and thought it bizarre there there was a lift to take you up to ground level at this station - I seemed to have done nothing but climbed stairs so far - so I decided to make use of the lift. Except I didn't as it was out of order. Myself and several others began our ascent, endless stairs later I saw daylight. At least I think it was daylight, I could've been having a mild stroke! I musta climbed about 150 stairs! That brought home to me just how much weight I've lost, I wasn't even the last one up! There was a woman, slimmer and younger than me who was lagging behind. If that had happened 3 months ago, I know I'd have given up and gone back down and gone somewhere else!

As I got onto the street my phone began to ring, a couple more friends wishing me happy birthday, I'd just about got enough breath back to be able to speak to them, then it was on the little electric bus up to the gallery.

It seems like Dali is everywhere at the moment, the V&A have just opened a massive Surreal Things exhibition, and while some of his stuff is over familiar - the melting clocks etc - there is something very special about seeing his work 'in the flesh'. They had the Mae West's Lips sofa, sadly we weren't allowed to sit on it, plus tons of sketches and sculptures. It was a great little insight into his world.

I checked out Sacre Coeur which is astonishing, but then it began to chuck it down, so I hopped back on the bus and got the Metro to the Place Madelene. I sheltered from the rain in a lovely cafe, you can still smoke inside in Paris at the moment, and watched the world go by. Apart from the art, this is my favourite part of any trip. Somehow it's never as good in London.

By now my legs were really aching, I've never walked so much in my life! So it was back to the hotel for a bit of r'n'r and a read of the Guardian. At the start of my day I'd bought a baguette for breakfast, and I still had 2/3rds of it left, so far it had done two meals, turns out it was my dinner too, and sadly went stale before I could finish it! God I am a cheap date these days!

In the evening I wandered over to the Bastille and had a look around but I really was feeling knackered and there was no point in ordering a meal anywhere as I was still stuffed, so I went back for a bath and bed.

Thursday morning and home time. Once I'd packed and checked out, I left my case at the hotel and went to treat myself to a wander round the Pompidou Centre, after breakfast in the Cafe Beauborg.

I remember seeing the Pompidou Centre when I came here last time and thinking what an amazing building it was, this time it had less of an impact as the world seems to have caught up with it, but there's no denying that the art collection is fantastic.

It wasn't as crowded as the Louvre, so I could really enjoy this one. Plus of course it's modern art which I love, it really was a case of leaving the best till last. There were all kinds of great works, but the Max Ernst stuff really struck a chord with me. Loved it.

With only a couple of hours to go before my train home I treated myself to a lunch of Moules and Frites... they were delicious. I'm starting not to care what people think now about how much I leave and beginning to break that thing of 'its a waste of money if you don't eat it all' mentality that led me to need to have the operation in the first place! That's a huge breakthrough for me.

After stocking up on cheap cigarettes, I headed back to Gare du Nord and checked in for the train home. For some reason the bitch at customs stopped me and made me show her my fag stash, I was within the limit, and could prove where I'd bought them, so fuck knows what her problem was. Luckily her superior stepped in and told her to stop fucking about, and she just shrugged and let me go.

You know there's a myth that the French are rude and arrogant, but until I encountered her, I'd met nothing but really friendly and helpful people, shame she had to spoil it, not even an apology.

On the train, I had a right result. A gorgeous boy to look at, and best of all, no-one sitting next to me for the entire journey! Mind you I think I need to work on my pulling techniques. The boy smiled and I smiled back, then I promptly fell fast asleep for about 90 minutes, and it was only my own snoring that woke me up! Oh well, he was too young anyway!

I Love Paris In The Springtime (Part 1)

Soooooo there I was 'aving a faaaaag outside the Gare du Nord, drinking a delicious coffee at 5pm last Monday. The trip on Eurostar was painless, much easier than schlepping to the airport. I jumped into a cab and managed to get him to take me to my hotel in spite of my dodgy French which kept veering into Spanish!

The hotel was small but perfectly formed, nice big clean double bed, little balcony overlooking the street, and in an ideal location slap bang inbetween The Louvre and the Pompidou Centre. Unpacked and dashed out to explore. I headed over to Les Halles, bits of which were like the shitty end of Oxford St, but enough bars and cafes to satisfy. It was sunny and warm and as I sat people watching and studying my guide book I reflected on what a great decision I'd made.

A bit more wandering and I stumbled on a Thai restaurant, it was about 9pm so I figured I should have dinner. I went for the two course 'Prix Fixe' option - chicken satay, sweet ribs with sticky rice - tho of course it was waaaaaaay too much food for the new me. I ate two of the satay sticks, and three tiny pieces of rib along with a mouthful of rice, and that was me full up! The waiter gave me an odd look as if to say 'what's wrong with our food?' I said how good it was but I was full. He just smiled and took the plates away.

I can tell what he was thinking. If I was a size 0, you just know they'd think 'fair enough, she's obviously anorexic' but while I am considerably smaller than I was three months ago, I aint exactly skinny, and you can see them thinking 'full, yeah right! who does she think she's fooling, she'll probably stop off at Maccy D's on the way home!'

I found my way back to the hotel and put the telly on. Hmmmmm according to the channel guide there's a couple of english speaking channels available, but unless the weather's really turned since I left this lunchtime, there's nothing but snow! I ended up watching the various French channels available while I chilled out and made my plans for Tuesday. Perhaps I'll soak up some of the language via the telly.

I was up and out by 11-ish on Tuesday, and went for breakfast by the Pompidou Centre. The sun was blazing as I sipped my Cafe au Lait and nibbled on a croissant (Cliches R Us!). This american couple came and sat by me but moved when I lit a fag - we were outside ffs!!!!! The irony is, they finished their coffee, then went and watched some dodgy old street performer doing tricks with cigarettes and gave him money when he passed the hat around! They coulda sat next to me for free!

Walking down to the Isle de la Citie and Notre Dame, I was struck by just how beautiful Paris is, breathtakingly so. The church was heaving with tourists, most of whom were ignoring the 'no photos' signs posted everywhere, as well as the signs asking them to be quiet as there were people actually in there trying to pray. People's insensitivity astounds me at times. Notre Dame is a gorgeous building, the stained glass windows are amazing, I'll bet it's even lovlier when it's empty!

I left there and carried on wandering, found a great little cafe for lunch, again what would've been a normal sized portion to me before just seemed like a vast amount of food for one person. I ate a bit of it and worked on not getting a complex about not clearing my plate.

It was time to use my Metro pass and somehow I managed to negotiate my way over to The Cartier Foundation, for the David Lynch show called The Air Is On Fire. I was dead proud of myself as their maps aint as clear as our Tube maps. The space was filled with his paintings, in sets designed by him with a very Twin Peaks-ian type soundtrack thundering ominously in the background. The work is pretty much what you'd expect of him, very dark, very odd. I think he's a bit like Marmite, you either love him or hate him. I have to admit I love him. There was even a little cinema where you could watch some bizarre early movie about a little boy who grows a woman from a seed on a bed (typical) I was about halfway through it when I realised I'd seen it before at some retrospecitive at the Scala I think, but the seats were so comfy I stayed and watched it till the end.

Then it was back out into the blinding sunlight and over to Rue St Honore to see 'lifestyle' shop Collette. According to the guidebook it was the best shop in Paris. What it actually was, was a more expensive Urban Outfitters. Full of very expensive fripperies for people who have tons of wedge and dunno what to do with it all.

I decided to go somewhere more within my price range so walked over to Galleries Lafayette. What an amazing department store, its like the best of Selfridges and Harvey Nicholls and Harrods all rolled into one. I saw lots of things I could spend my dosh on but as I'd wisely left my credit cards back in the hotel safe I resisted temptation. The food hall is astonishing, jars of all kinds of delicious looking weird stuff, displays of cakes and chocolates guarenteed to make your mouth more than water, it was like food porn for me! I enjoyed everything with my eyes and not a single calorie was taken in!

I was thoroughly shagged out by then so I hopped in a cab back to the hotel for a cup of green tea and a relax before dinner. By now I was getting a bit fed up of paying 20 euros for a meal I was leaving so I ended up having a pastrami beigal and a coffee at a little pavement cafe not far from the hotel, well I say a beigel, half a beigel is the truth.

Another wander to walk it off then it was back for a much needed soak in the bath. I don't think I've ever walked so much in my life!

Part 2 to follow when I've got more time.

See Venice and Die....

The Rialto Bridge and some random bloke who walked into shot


So the saying goes.

Not sure if I'm ready to pop my clogs yet but I did have a wonderful time there.

The whole experience was a bit surreal, the entire city look like a movie set. Everything is soooo old and crumbling in a slightly too perfect way, like there was a set designer painting in the cracks on the facades.

I even overcame my fear of boats - didn't have a lot of choice really! - and was zipping around on the Tragetto's like they were the number 36 bus. My hastily learned Italian kept slipping into Spanish, but nobody seemed to mind too much, the people are really sweet and helpful.

I'd been warned it wasn't cheap to do anything much really in Venice, and that was certainly true, I paid £6 for a small latte today, but I have to say the view of the Basillica in St Mark's Square was well worth the price. They even threw in a floorshow of tourists being attacked by pidgeons for bits of bread. This is obviously a regular occurance as the birds here are the fattest I have ever seen!

The city is small enough to get about easily, I covered most of it in the two full days I had there. The boats are fast and frequent and with my Venice Card I could hop on and off at will. The coffee was fabulous everywhere, and it was soooooo good to see one big city in the world that hasn't been invaded by Starbucks! Sadly McDonalds has infiltrated, but it was empty when I went past it.


Jeff Koons' Balloon Dog outside the Palazzo Grassi


Best of all tho was the art. I spent several wonderful hours in the Palazzo Grassi and The Peggy Guggenheim Collection, and saw some terrifically life-affirming pieces by Jeff Koons and Rene Magritte.


The Angel of the City outside the Peggy Guggenheim Collection


My hotel was in a brilliant location, right off St Mark's Square, with the city's biggest gondola terminus right outside my window. The room was small but beautifully furnished, with amazing Murano glass light fittings. Makes the Travel Inns I'm used to look even more shit now!


If you've never been, do yourself a favour and head out there as soon as you can...it really is a place everyone should visit at least once.

In Dublin's Fair City

Firstly I should apologise for the tardiness of this post, I've had a guest book added to my website which has caused no end of problems. Still it's all sorted now.

So, last Friday night I was in Dublin for the first of two shows at The Olympia Theatre (see photo) supporting Puppetry of the Penis. These shows were part of the Bulmers Comedy Festival - my old mate Mat Lucas was doing his Little Britain show at the mega-sized Point across town - and so the shows weren't 'normal'.

They'd run a new comedian competition and part of the winner's prize was to do a set before the main show began. He was introduced by the organiser of the festival and that meant that it really was a show of two halves.

It also meant that my time was cut back considerably. The plan was for me to do around 10 minutes and then introduce the boys.

As you can imagine, the 1500 strong audience (which comprised of about 1480 women and 20 men) were getting impatient, they wanted cock and lots of it. As I stood at the side of the stage while Dan announced me I could feel their anticipation. It added to my own, as I had no idea of what the hell I was gonna do, its been 12 years since I did a 10 minute spot.

My opening line was about how disappointed they must be, geared up for a couple of naked boys, and some old bird wanders out. I had em from there and ended up doing about 13 minutes to just the most amazing reception. The sound of 1500 people laughing is phenomenal. It's also very time consuming, I probably did about 5 minutes of material in that time. It was the most fantastic sensation.

The boys had a cracker too, the Irish girls sure know how to have fun. After the show ended I nipped outside the stage door for a smoke, not realising that the people leaving the circle exited just up the road.

Soon I was being inundated with compliments, people asking when I was gonna be doing my own show in Dublin (at this rate in another 10 years!), how funny I was etc etc. The best bit was two women who I would say were in their 60', dolled up for a night at the theatre, one stopped and said to me 'Look at her, wearing all her diamonds to see two pricks!' It just cracked me up...fabulous.

I walked round to the front of house where the boys were signing copies of the How To ... manual, and ended up signing about 50 of the books myself! I felt like bleedin Madonna I tells ya!

After the signing session was done, we went out for dinner at this fabulous place called Havana just up the road. One of the things I noticed immediately about the new Dublin is how European it is. I wasn't a huge fan after my last visit, but now I love the place! If there are any promoters out there who wanna book me, please do get in touch!

After a great meal of tapas/pinchos and lentil and chorizo stew, Zoha the camera girl and all round good egg and I wandered back to the hotel leaving the boys to go out on the lash. It was remarkable how safe we both felt. Walking back from the gig in some cities in the UK is an exercise is fear management, but not here. The streets were teeming with drunken people but there was no aggression anywhere.

On Saturday I had a wander round the shops but it was cut short by the actual weather not resembling the weather forecast in any way. Birkenstocks are not good in pouring rain! Back at the hotel I was greeted by the sight of about 80 American men dressed in full golf kit watching the Ryder Cup on the telly in the bar! I suppose it's no different to guys watching football in their team's shirts. Just made me giggle.

Saturday night's show was more of the same, lotsa laughs, lotsa praise and ego stroking, followed by fish and chips eaten in the hotel lobby. We had an early start in the morning, the flight wasn't till noon but after all the hassle coming out we wanted to make sure we actually got on the flight. This didn't stop the boys going out again tho. Oh to be young again....not.

Thank you Dublin...and thank you PotP for giving me a chance to revise my opinion.

Red Light, Big City

Soooooooo, Madrid.

It was a short but very sweet trip. The 35 degree heat when I arrived was much welcomed on my poor frozen London skin. Amazingly it's as hot here as it was when I was in Bangkok, but it's not humid so it felt more comfortable. The trip was painless enough, and I bravely took the Metro from the airport to the city.

A little note to "Red" Ken, our esteemed Mayor, how come we can't do cheap and clean public transport. A ticket giving me 10 trips on the Metro cost a mere 5 euros. Bearing in mind that a return ticket on the Heathrow Express is £26 we're doing something wrong here.

The hotel was a brilliant example of how to do budget with class. As regular readers know, hotels are the bane of my life, but this one, the Petit Palace Italia on the Gran Via, right in the middle of everything, was stylish and affordable, with a fabulous shower that had water squirting on me from all directions!

I couldn't work out why the hotel was so reasonably priced, until I went out to stock up on water for the fridge. It would appear I was staying bang in the middle of the red light district! Either that or a lot of scantily clad girls were being stood up all at the same time. Interestingly, 98% of the hookers were Spanish. Everywhere else it seems that the eastern Europeans are taking over the 'minge for sale' market, but not here in Madrid.

The next day I hit the galleries, starting off at the Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza. which failed to live up to my expectations sadly, the cafe was fabulous tho, and I had a lovely time sitting in the sunshine with my cafe con leche. From there I walked to the Prado.

As this was just a short trip I didn't have time to linger, but it was amazing to see paintings by Goya, Velazquez, Dali and Bosch...hard to believe that some of them were painted hundreds of years ago. I have to say tho, by the end of it I was 'Jesused Out'. I have my own views about who and what Jesus was, but there's no denying he musta been a great guy to inspire soooooooo many artists. Either that or the Catholic Church were the only people with money to pay them!

Dinner was taken at one of the many fabulous restaurants in the Plaza Mayor, amd usually I spend this time people watching. Not this time tho, I'd picked up a copy of Mark Billingham's new paperback Lifeless, and cliche or not, I simply couldn't put it down....I opened it on the flight out and finished it on the plane home. Still waiting to see a character named after me in one of his novels tho!

Wednesday I went to the Reina Sofia Museum...talk about saving the best till last! My god it was fabulous! Sadly the Picasso rooms were closed so I didn't get to see Guernica, but that only provides me with an excuse to go back. Not that I need one. Focusing more on modern art, there were works that simply took your breath away, from artists like Kandinsky, Rothko, Man Ray, Dali, Joan Miro, Yves Klein and a billion more. I just didn't have enough time to take it all in, this is definitely a full day gallery!

The other brilliant thing about this place was the groups of really, really tiny children being given a brilliant introduction to art. They seemed genuinely interested too, asking the guides questions about the paintings, and really well behaved. I want a Spanish baby! They were so gorgeous, I didn't see one ugly child. Perhaps the dodgy kids aren't taken out in public, but based on the ones I saw yesterday, there aint a dodgy looking kid in the whole of Madrid.

The flight home was easy enough, and thanks to my not checking in any luggage, I was in my flat within 70 mins of landing. Hurrah.

I would write more, but Big Brother is on, and I wanna see what's going on.

One last thing....

EVICT SEZER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Madrid....

was amazing! Too tired to write about it now, stay tuned!

Hasta la Manana

Thanks to the fabulous Alistair Barrie, I got home from Leicester last night...hoorah! He was kind enough to stick around till the end of the show to rescue me from having to spend one more night in that godforsaken dump that is the Grand Hotel - so called because that's how much it cost to build - on Granby St.

I must've stayed there about 300 times over the last 10 years, and not once have I been able to accept the first room they've given me. I'm not *that* precious, but I do kind of demand that the light bulbs work, stuff like that.

I also implimented my new 'smoking in a non-smoking room' policy. I checked in dead on 2pm, the earliest you can check into this place - and requested a smoking room. This was immediately dismissed, and for once I didn't put up a fight, just said fine.

It was weird, cos the decent part of me felt bad about smoking in this room, although I have to say I don't thinkI was the first person ever to do so judging by the stench. Still at least the smell of stale smoke detracted from the heady aroma of urine in the bathroom!

My guilty conscience made me think about every single cigarette I lit up. 'Did I really want one right now?' 'Could I wait another half an hour, or till I left the room?' As a result, I smoked far fewer than normal, hmmmmmm who knows I may just end up quitting without really trying! All you non smokers better be prepared for your taxes to rise if I give up! Gordon Brown is gonna have to recoup that dosh somehow.

So this morning I woke up in my own clean, fresh bed...bliss! I'm all excited cos this time tomorrow I'll be in Madrid. Hoorah! I've never been before but I am soooooooo looking forward to it. Getting out of London to a place I really want to visit, great coffee, sunshine on my skin, and some fabulous art...I suspect my favourite gallery will be the Museo Thyssen-Bornemisza. I've been checking their website and they seem to have a fantastic collection. I've just spotted one by Juan Gris called The Smoker!

Bright Beginnings

Just in case you were worried that I'd gone all "peace and love" over here, don't worry, normal service is resumed.

It's amazing what you will watch in a foreign country if it's in English. There are two movie channels on the hotel telly, HBO and CineMax, and they seem to specialise - in the wee small hours at least - in showing movies that didn't even make it 'straight to video'. I reckon these went 'straight to the bin'!

I turned on the other night to catch Scary Spice herself - Mel B - in some god awful movie about a bunch of anti-vivisectionists who end up killing each other in some weird lab, somewhere in England. Mel was sporting the most dreadful white dreadlocks I have ever seen, and I can remember some of the creations that Antenna were knocking out in the early 80's! Luckily for her, she was killed by the mysterious virus about halfway through before she had time to shame herself any more.

The second atrocious waste of celluloid I saw starred Nick Moran, as a Scotsman - cue the worst accent since Dick Van Dyke's cockerney in Mary Poppins - who inherits a son he knew nothing about, and a dog who can play football. Don't ask me how it ended, I couldn't bear to watch more than the first 20 minutes, but I'll bet a year's wages it didn't pick up much!

Both films were just soooo bad, who gave them the green light? I have friends who have, over the years, written scripts, tried to get their own movies made, to no avail. How on earth does rubbish like this get the go ahead when some really good stuff sits in some movie wanker's in-tray?

What was most depressing about both films was that the 'stars' had had such auspicious starts to their careers. Love em or hate em The Spice Girls were a phenomenon, and even Scary's solo single with Missy Elliot wasn't too bad. Nick Moran was fantastic in Lock Stock...how did they both end up doing this kind of dross?

Guess the lesson is, don't burn too bright too soon.

The Spiritual One

My main reason for coming to Thailand was the fact that it's a Buddhist country. I wanted to see what life is like when you've been raised with this philosophy, and to visit the temples.

On my first full day in Bangkok that's exactly what I did. I'd booked a tour guide and driver, to make sure I saw the big three (there's plenty of other temples in town). I explained to Aum, my guide, that I'd become Buddhist recently, so she showed me the correct ways to pray and meditate. It was awesome. Even the stifling heat - it musta been close to 100 degrees - couldn't take away the sense of calm that pervaded these temples.

My favourite was Wat Po...the home of the most enormous reclining Buddha in the world. Coloured gold, with mother of pearl inlaid feet, he was the most splendid thing I have ever laid eyes on. At the first temple, Aum had ascertained that my 'Buddha position' was the reclining Buddha, so maybe that's why I loved him so much. In the grounds there are 100 stupas, stone shrine-type things, where those who can afford it, bury the ashes of loved ones. They were all elaborately decorated with glass and ceramic mosaic, and just seem so much more of a celebration of someone's life than a marble headstone.

I also saw the Emerald Buddha at The Grand Palace. He's a comparatively tiny lil thing, but considered the most sacred of all Thailand's Buddha statues. He has three different outfits all made of solid gold that he is changed into according to the season, and only the King of Thailand is allowed to change him. Kinda cool eh?

I moved onto Phuket last Friday, and this morning visited Wat Chalong, the most important temple on Phuket they tell me. What was great about this one was that I wasn't on a timetable, and there were very few tourists, and thanks to Aum, I knew what to do. Words cannot express how amazing it felt to be able to sit alone, in front of this massive marble Buddha and reflect on life. Priceless.

It's Chico Time!

So there I was, waiting to board my plane to Bangkok, dreading the 11 hour flight, when who should arrive in the departure lounge but Chico! He was dressed like a 70's American pimp would if he had an appointment with the bank manager, leather jacket, acrylic looking polo neck, and trilby. Boy was he gonna sweat when he arrived!

I assumed he'd be sitting upstairs in the fllthy rich section, but it appears having a number one record is not enough to get you such 5 star treatment, so he was crammed into economy with the rest of us regular folks. He was cool tho, a few people recognised him and were taking photos and getting his autograph and he was obviously loving every minute of it. As I watched all this I couldn't help but think of the photo I saw of him on Holy Moly from when he was a stripper. He was fondling the busoms of one woman while another was on her knees orally pleasuring him. Now that's first class!

As for the rest of the passengers, well, they were from 'Cliches R Us'. Lots of old, not very handsome men, with gorgeous little Thai girls feigning interest in them. The couple next to me were just one such pairing...I felt kinda sick watching him pawing her. I'm not body language expert, but the look on her face told me it wasn't what she'd wished for when she was a child. The passengers who didn't already have a girlfriend were very obviously coming out here to find one. I've never seen so many single men on a plane...it was like that movie with Nicolas Cage which I've forgotten the name of, but it was a plane load of prisoners being transferred by air to another prison. I'm sure that narrows it down!

The arrival in Bangkok was a shock in so many ways. I've never been so hot in my entire life as I was the minute I stepped out of the airport, not even when I was working my ass off in the gym!

Something to chew on...

Back from the beauty parlour, all bald and painted. Checking emails and found this site:

http://nawtythings.com/nawtyedibles1.html

Now being a good celibate buddhist I won't be ordering any of their products, but I'll wager they taste better than the real thing!

Sun, sea and .... meditation

So this morning I am full of the joys of spring, not only have the clocks gone forward, but this evening I'm off on my first holiday in years!

I'm going to Bangkok and Phuket for two whole fabulous weeks, and I am sooooooo excited! I've printed out reams of info, listing all the temples, spas, sights to see and I just can't wait!

Been checking the weather and its averaging 90 degrees at the moment, with pretty high humidity, so that should be fun. Me, red faced and sweating for two weeks...how very buddhist!

Had a good weekend in Leicester, opened on Thursday night and closed the show on Friday and Saturday. Its considered a huge thing to close a show, and its flattering to be considered able to do it. But it can be a double edged sword. Friday night I had a blinder, the crowd had been good as gold all night and were so warm and receptive. Saturday was a different kettle of fish altogether. It's always a bad sign when a member of the audience collapses from too much booze before the show even starts, and that poor girl kinda set the tone for the night. I got on and half the room were falling down drunk, the other half a bit pissed off that they weren't! Halfway through the set, the fire alarm went off, and it took some time for anyone to tell me or the crowd that it wasn't real. Very disconcerting.

Had a great lunch on Saturday with my cohorts, Kevin Gildea and Simon Clayton, both of whom I've known for ages. The conversation was the usual mix of scurrilous gossip and a swapping of web addresses! We're all getting older, once upon a time we'd be talking about shagging!

Anyway, I can't hang about here, I'm off to get various bits waxed and manicured....