Coming Home

In one way my 15 days in Thailand sped by, but in another way I did and saw so much that, it felt like I'd been away much longer.

Everything that happened before I went away, didn't disappear from my mind during that time, but the physical distance gave me a chance to try and make sense of it all. My new answer is that there are no answers, at least no definitive ones. Instead I am choosing to take inspiration from the lives of all the people I've loved and lost.

Being my usual anal self I was up early on my last day, so early it was still dark out! The view from my hotel window really was pretty spectacular.

I did the last of my packing. I really have been restrained this trip in my purchases, I got everything in the case and closed it without breaking sweat! My last breakfast was as yummy as ever, even the toaster worked.

I was very, very early, my flight wasn't till midday, but as I've said many times I'd rather be too early than too late. I checked out and got a cab to the airport, assuming I'd at least be able to check in and potter about in the Departure lounge.

Sadly this wasn't the case. I was there about 8.30 and the flight wasn't even on the board! Bit scary. I found the Eva Air desk and that was completely shut down. It did cross my mind that they might have gone bust while I was away, but this didn't really concern me. I was already planning buggering off to Koh Samui or somewhere instead! Eventually I found someone in the uniform and showed them my flight confirmation, they said come back at 10 am for check in. Oh well, I had this fella to keep me company.

I pottered about, using the internet cafe and having a coffee, and watching people who were booked on an earlier flight to Heathrow rush and scramble to check in. With Eva Air its a bit mad to get excited cos you select your seat when you book, so you're not gonna get anything better now.

Finally, about 9.50 the queue for that flight disappeared and I went up to see if I could get through to raid the Duty Free, only to be told that the flight everyone was checking into was actually my flight! They'd brought it forward and not bothered to contact me! Its a good job I'm always early eh?

Once I was on the other side - with no time to mash the plastic (Bangkok Duty Free's loss) I asked at the gate why I hadn't been contacted. I was told it was cos there were no contact details for me. She then printed off my file which showed my land and mobile numbers, and home and email addresses! I guess they were trying to contact me psychically!

Oh well, as I say the seat was pre-booked so I still got my aisle seat, and quickly settled in for the almost 12 hour flight home. Why are the return legs so much longer? I bunged a movie on and ended up watching Robert De Niro's 'Everybody's Fine" about a Dad trying to re-connect with his kids. That was all it took, I was a sobbing wreck! Felt kinda good to get it out.

After dinner/breakfast/lunch - not sure what the meal was - I popped my Nytol and nodded off. Bliss. Seven hours of sleep, that's a result on a long flight like that.

We landed early at Heathrow, well really early for me cos I was expecting to be on a later flight! And I learned one of the true benefits of being practically the last person to check into a flight, your case comes out first! What a touch! I had chance to grab and AMT latte and was soon speeding back to London.

I came home to a mountain of mail, mostly about my Dad of course. The break served me well in all kinds of ways, I've got a much clearer idea of where I'm going in the future - in as much as I can control the future - the past is long gone and the present is pretty damn good!

What more can you wish for?

Tiiiigggggeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssssss!!!!!!!!!

Sooooooo last Sunday (28th) was my 49th birthday.

Over the years I've marked surviving another year in a variety of ways, from getting tattooed and/or pierced in odd places. Odd places on my body that is, not odd places in the world. I've spent it in Paris, Brighton and twice now in Bangkok.

I have to say that so far, Bangkok is my favourite place to move closer to the grave than anywhere else in the world - anywhere I've been so far that is - something about the vitality of the city makes me happy to be alive, even if bits of me are aging rather too rapidly!

Anyway last Sunday, just being in Bangkok wasn't enough for greedy old me, I wanted to spend it doing something I've been dying to do since I saw Chris Crudelli do it on Mind Body and Kick Ass Miracles a few years ago, and that is go to the Tiger Temple and cuddle some tigers.

The temple's proper name Wat Pha Luang Ta Bua, and its about two and a half hours from Bangkok. I'd resisted the temptation to pay way over the odds by booking the excursion here or in the hotel and took Chris's advice and went to Khao San Road and booked it for a fraction of the price from lovely Mr Thai Travel.

I had to be there by 11am on Sunday to get the mini-bus, and being my usual anal self I left at 9.30 in a cab to get over there. Just as well I did cos the Red Shirts were having a huge old rally and that meant most of the roads were closed! It took about 20 mins longer than it should have to get across town, and pissed the cabbie off no end cos he again refused to put the meter on. If he had, he'd have made double the agreed price! Karma baby!

I was still there early enough to have some delicious cinnamon french toast and another watermelon shake - soooooo addicted! - before the bus arrived. It was fascinating seeing the Khao San Road at this time of day, everybody setting up their stalls and people looking slightly less bewildered than at night time!

Mr Thai was waiting for me and wished me a happy birthday which was very sweet of him. I was first in the bus so got the pick of the seats - yay! We made our way up the road collecting an unusual bunch of folks from various tour operators. There was a young German couple who were very sweet, a boy with the dreaded dreadlocks who turned out to be a systems analyst not a lost soul as the hair led me to believe, and a fab mother and son from London. We also picked up some woman who was from god knows where but was the rudest person I've ever met - and I've met some assholes in my time. I didn't know if she was going to the temple or not but she was dressed like she was on her way to a slut convention! I'm still not sure why she was so angry - other than the fact her hairdresser had given her a dodgy Glenn Close "Fatal Attraction" perm - but she threw her rucksack at the bus driver and tried to flounce into the bus. This didn't work cos there was only a couple of seats left and very little flouncing room. Daft cow. If I'd been the driver I'd have slung her and her fucking rucksack down the other end of the Khao San Road!

Anyway, off we went and Jan who was sat next to me, and I got chatting. The journey passed in no time, and we even got to stop off for ice cream and a wee half way. Yes it was a squat toilet and yes I did, and no I didn't pee all over my shoes! Check me.

As we got close to Kanchanaburi which is where the temple is, we swapped buses and thank god lost the stroppy slut. I could barely contain my excitement. I'd read up on the place and seen reports both good and bad. Urban myths that they eat a couple of tourists a year, that they're drugged, all kinds of stuff. I choose to believe as the monks do, that these tigers are reincarnated monks and that as long as your karma's good you have nothing to fear.

We handed over our 500baht admission and Jan had to buy a pair of trousers cos her's were reddish in colour and you're not allowed to wear those colours in a temple. Luckily I was in my black combats and white linen shirt, so no extras for me. The guy that sold them to her was an american volunteer. What a cool gig!

We went through and the rules were explained. There were tons of western volunteers working there, as well as Thai employees. Again there were "extras" - we could pay another 1000baht and have a photo with the tiger's head on our lap or squat behind em for free, we could come back an hour later and get in a cage and watch some of them playing in the water for another 500 baht, etc etc. A few people were moaning that it was all a big old scam, but the reality is it costs like £16 to get into London Zoo and you don't get to cuddle shit! They also have 54 of these suckers to feed not to mention keeping the monks fed and watered! Having said that I didn't pay for any of the extras.

I had to hold my tiger wrangler's hand as she led me around the dozen or so fully grown tigers that were lazing in the midday heat. As I squatted behind the first one, it just didn't feel real, I couldn't believe I was thisclose to a wild animal! She told me to stroke his back and as I did, I felt he was wet. Turns out they all were, seems wearing a coat like that in 90-odd degree heat makes ya sweat!

My guide took a photo behind every tiger, and it all felt a bit production line, but then we were told to go over the hill to the nursery. We weren't monitored the same and could kinda do our own thing.

Oh my god! Baby tigers from 5 months and up were there for us to interract with! Unlike the bigger ones they weren't all asleep either! I cannot put into words how awesome it feels to be talking to and stroking and cuddling a baby tiger!

I could have quite happily spent the rest of my life with that little sucker, he was sooooooooo gorgeous! The bond between him and the monk was incredible, you do have to really give reincarnation some serious thought!

They had other animals there too, deer and buffalo, who seemed to be a moveable feast for the main inhabitants. If you had any doubts about the wildness or the alertness of these tigers you only had to look at the lust on their faces as they watched the little Bambi wander past! They even had a leopard that had been brought in. It was up in the tree and took us a while to see it, but when I did spot it, it reminded me of the Banksy animatronic leopard at the Bristol Museum!


All too soon it was over and we had to pile back on the bus back to Bangkok. I gotta tell ya folks I am gonna really have to go some to top this as a birthday treat!

As if that wasn't enough animal interraction, when we got back to Khao San I treated myself to half an hour of fish nibbling at one of the multitude of fish spas they have here. I'm not sure these little creatures actually do feast on yer dead skin, but it tickles in a nice way and it was good to get the dust off my feet!

By 9pm I was bushed, so I jumped in a tuk tuk and went back to the hotel. Now as you're aware I was not exactly enthusiastic about this hotel, but there on my coffee table was something that almost made me cry! A bunch of roses, a fruit basket - including a dragon fruit - and a chocolate birthday cake!

Goddam I love this country!

Dahn The Market

Saturday saw me rise early. It was time to go to Chatuchak Market. This is a market the size of a small town at Chit Lom, the end of the Sky Train.

I went last time I was here and I recall the claustrophobic feeling I had as I got lost in the labyrinthine space, the humidity threatening to stop me from breathing at all. But I was a big old fucker then, and I ain't now, so back I went!

Last time I think I lasted about 30 minutes. This time three and a half hours baby! I got a gorgeous jersey dress, saw the cutest, fluffiest puppies, drank a delicious watermelon shake, and browsed just about every single stall.

It was fantastic to be able to spend so long wandering about, tho the heat got to me in the end. I was mightily relieved to board the sky train back to Siam Square. That air-con is a gift!

I sent a couple of emails and jumped a cab back to the hotel. I actually found a cab that was willing to put his meter on! Now I see why they don't wanna do it, my fare was a third of what I'd been getting charged!

I had time to freshen up before heading out again to PatPong night market. The lovely Chanel bag I'd bought at the start of my trip had broken and as I'd got it in a shop and not from a stall I decided to see if I could change it. I went back to my friend at the Mook Shop - I always remember the name cos of Mean Streets - and sure enough, she exchanged it no questions asked! Bless her! A bit of dinner then it was back to the hotel for an early night. Big day tomorrow!

Back to Bangkok!

After my lovely day with Pete I was kinda sorry to be leaving Phuket on Wednesday, even sorry to leave Patong, tho I wouldn’t stay here next time I come back, a wee bit too lively for me nowadays!

I was up early enough to get a bit of sun on my skin before having to get showered and dressed for my flight. I got my pal from next door to take me to the airport but not on the motorbike this time!

I was pretty blase for me, getting there a mere two hours before take off. The check in went smoothly, I’d definitely use Air Asia again, they’re no frills but no hassle either.

At Bangkok Airport I got my case and leapt into a public taxi, the drive into the city centre was pretty smooth, tho he got a little lost as we searched for the hotel. I wish he’d never have found it to be honest! What a frikkin dump!

It was one of those places that spent its entire budget on the foyer. The rooms (I saw three) were the kind of places you might go to kill yourself, even if you weren’t planning to do so! Take my advice folks and avoid the Baiyoke Suites Hotel like the plague! I was assertive at reception, and was given a full refund as well as a superior room at their 4 star sister hotel the Baiyoke Sky Hotel at the same price.

I’ll be honest, its not as nice or as handy for everything as the Heritage where I stayed when I first arrived here, I wish I’d just booked back there, oh well, we live and learn! It is kinda cool staying in the tallest building in Bangkok even if it is a rip off!

I’ve been darting about all over the place since I got here. My fave night market at Lumpini Park, Suan Lum, where I’ve stocked up on incense and eaten some great meals in the food court.

On Thursday the temperature rounded out at 101 degrees farenheit! So I wisely spent it in the trio of air conditioned Siam malls - Paragon, Discovery and Centre. I even got my teeth whitened for a fraction of the UK price in only an hour!

Thursday night saw me hanging out with the gap year casualties at the Khao San Road. Jesus! Half of these people weren’t born in the times of hippies or even crusties but there’s more white boys with manky dreadlocks than at yer average Levellers’ gig! It really isn’t big or clever kids, and if you aint got the price of a haircut or a bottle of shampoo then it’s time to go back home to your trust fund!

The 50 baht Padh Thai was pretty damn good tho. It was also the ideal place to book my trip to the Tiger Temple on Sunday. A fraction of the price of anywhere else and only to the temple, no floating markets, no death railways, nothing but the reincarnated monks! Perfect!

Friday saw me taking some sun on the 20th floor of the hotel. Perfect place for sunbathing as up here there’s a breeze which means I could stay out longer, I managed a whole two hours! Had a good old swim too.

The afternoon was spent at Wat Mahathat and the nearby amulet market, which in addition to selling a billion representations of the Buddha, also sells sunglasses and false teeth for some reason!


Everytime I go anywhere from this hotel I have to barter with the taxi and tuk tuk drivers, and it really gets boring after the first couple of times, you either pay way over the odds or agree to stop off at their "friend's shop" which is just some rip-off megastore selling over-priced souveniers and gemstones you've never heard of before - not even on QVC! So after the temple I decided to take public transport and got a bus almost the whole way back for 14baht! Then I got a 20 baht Sky train to the closest stop which still meant a walk of about half a mile, but as it was a cool 80 degrees, that wasn't a problem.


Blimey I am practically a local!

A Regular Dr Doolittle...

... that's me!

Day three in Phuket saw me being collected by my old chum Pete Harris and taken on a wonderful tour around the island.

Its so easy to see why he loves living here, the endless sunshine, the natural and unnatural beauty, and the people. It also seems to be the place people move to when they die!

We drove to three different temples including Wat Chalong, all of which were stunning, and sadly much busier than they were last time I was here. I suppose its a good thing that tourists are coming but makes it kinda hard to get a bit of peace you know?

On the way we stopped off to feed some bananas to some monkeys as you do, and having Pete means I got photos of me with them! They were angry looking buggers, but the one who was not only taking every banana I had but was also storing them in a plastic bag he'd found was kinda cool with me. I forgot Pete was there and went into my usual nutty thing of chatting away to the monkey like he could understand me! I think he could!


We also went to the Big Buddha, which is already awesome and will be even moreso when its completed. This wasn't even begun last time I was here and its the vision of one man, who's creating something rather amazing.

On the way down from the Big Buddha, we stopped off by a couple of working elephants and their keepers. This wasn't a tourist thing, they were on their tea break - the elephant union is very good - and Pete got some more photos. I even got an elephant kiss which was just the most joyful thing ever!

We stopped for lunch at Friendship Beach, at this gorgeous resort which I have completely forgotten the name of. Sat gazing out at the blue sea, the ceiling fans gently turning and catching up on 10 years' worth of life with a good pal, life really doesn't get any better does it?

Oh My God!!!!!!!!

My three nights on Phi Phi passed all too quickly really, tho I was looking forward to getting back to Phuket.

The boat trip back was pretty much the same as the one coming over but I wasn’t terrified this time. I knew what to expect and was actually one of the confident ones! I was hopping on and off boats like I’d been doing it all my life.

At Phuket Pier I jumped into a waiting taxi, its like Addison Lee but at a fraction of the cost! In next to no time I was being dropped off at my next hotel - Poppa Palace in the heart of Patong Beach - as always my heart was in my mouth as we pulled up. This one didn’t look like the Ritz on the website, but even so the outside left a fair bit to be desired!

I checked in and while it may not have been 5 star luxury, the staff were sooo friendly. They informed that they were overbooked in the standard rooms so I was being given a free upgrade to a deluxe room. The deluxe apparently being a balcony! I’m starting to suspect this is just a stock line that Thai hotels feed us to make us feel special! I asked for and was given a hairdryer and 600 baht bought me unlimited wifi for four days, which seemed a pretty good deal by hotel standards.

My room was cool in both senses and after I’d unpacked I headed out to see what the place looked like four years on from my last visit here. Before I made it out onto the main drag I nipped into the beauty parlour across the road and got my toe and fingernails painted for £4. The manicurist was shocked that I wanted bright red. I get the feeling perhaps only the ladyboys go for that colour. I was teasing her that I was a ladyboy and it ended up the pair of us singing I Am What I Am!

After that I wandered up to the main beach road. Holy shit! What a difference! It was only a year after the tsunami when I was last here but I thought it was pretty developed back then, it was quaint compared to how it is now!!!!!!! Where there was one Starbucks, there are now five! I have to say that made me happy after drinking shit coffee for so long!

I found a great place for dinner and sat well back so that I could watch the comings and goings. Boy was there plenty to see! Endless western men of a certain age (and older!) pawing at the Thai girls who were enduring their boorish company in order to pay the bills. Last time I was here it was all going on but the girls seemed happy, or maybe they were just better actresses. This time I didn’t see one smiling girl. Their body language was one of sheer revulsion at these creeps who think that for a few quid they can own someone else’s soul.

Apart from that tho, I was kinda happy to be in such a lively area, especially cos once I got back to my hotel it was peaceful, even tho all this madness was going on all around me. I even slept well, so well in fact that I didn’t even stir as my left arm became a buffet for a collection of mosquitos!
I woke up on Monday morning with huge red lumps all over my arm, they were itching like buggery too! After breakfast I headed off to find a pharmacist who could help me. I ended up in Boots! The more things change, the more they stay the same eh? He sold me some ibuprofen and some antibiotic cream. He said I’d had a severe allergic reaction to the bites but it wasn’t life-threatening. Thank god for that then!

The chemist was in a huge shopping centre called JungCeylon and it seemed as good a place as any to have a coffee and a wee, and from there I wandered around all the little shops and stalls in the centre of Patong. I got a cute little silver bracelet and that was it really. I was happy just wandering around, strolling on the beach, checking out the other visitors, and soaking up the rays.

I decided to take trip to the boxing stadium to see some proper Thai Boxing, and got the guy next door to the hotel to book me a ticket. He was a really cool guy and he made no commission on the booking, charging me only the face value of the ticket. He also said he’d take me there and bring me back, saying it was too far to walk really. I figured that was where he’d take his cut, but hey, we’ve all gotta make a living.

At 8.30 I went next door expecting to get into his van, but there’d been a change of plan. He was taking me on his motorbike! I was too shocked to say no, and next thing I knew I was climbing on and clinging onto his back like a spider monkey! It was the most thrilling thing I’ve done in a very long time! I loved it!

Almost as exciting was the boxing itself. I loved the ritual of it all. The matches were short and sweet, thus keeping it all interesting. We were promised blood and guts, but there was only one match where blood was spilled, and that was the one where a Thai guy whacked the crap out of an English bloke who was having his first fight. What an introduction! The English fighter was called Chris and he seems to have spent most his time getting tattoos and learning the pre-match dancing, rather than learning how to fight one of these fuckers!

The Thai guy got one good smack in almost immediately and from then on Chris was on the run - literally! There’s a live band playing during each round - traditional Thai music not “Eye of the Tiger”, but there was this weird clarinet thing, and while Chris was being chased around the ring I could’ve sworn they launched into the Benny Hill chase music! It was certainly apt!

There were six or seven fights which made it excellent value for money. There were even two women going at it - one Australian and one Russian - both of whom where pretty ruthless! The Russian punched the Aussie in the tit! Ouch!

At just gone 11 it was all over, and there was my pal waiting for me just like he said. To be honest I was more excited about the bike ride home than some of the matches, and unfortunately it was over all too soon. As I climbed off outside the hotel I went to give him some petrol money and he said no! He almost seemed offended bless him!

God I love this island!

Phi Phi Paradise

On my first full day on Phi Phi Don, I decided to take the boat taxi to Phi Phi town. I figured the more I braved these longtail boats, the better I'd be at hopping on and off them. That was the plan at least!

I checked out the breakfast buffet - not brilliant but the fruit was delcious. My new goal in life now is to find one hotel toast maker that actually works first time. From the 4 star gaff in Blackpool where I stayed while Dad was in hospital, to the 5 star place in Kuala Lumpur, to this little collection of huts in the middle of the Andaman Sea, there isn't one of these bloody things that makes toast as we know it!

Anyway, I had a slice of warm bread and off I went on the boat. I am getting better and the transfer to the slightly larger ferry was much easier than yesterday's. It took about an hour all told and I even napped for a bit on the ferry! The rocking of the boat lulling me to sleep. I also gave myself a talking to about the 'boat fear'. The worst that could happen is I fall in, well I can swim so what am I worrying about?



Phi Phi town had a proper dock and it was kinda how I expected it to look. Gazillions of young people on gap year adventures with enormous rucksacks, haggling over everything from hotel rooms to the price of a slice of toast!



There was a market which I couldn't resist. I found myself the proud owner of a pair of fisherman's pants and a lovely white linen top all for way less than a tenner.

I had a delicious banana pancake and a "latte" which was basically a cup of nescafe with some very frothy milk poured in it. I know I am so very lucky to be here, but goddam I do miss a decent cup of coffee!

I was booked on the midday ferry back, at 11.45 I made my way to the pier. As 12 came and went no sign of it, I did see a little boat arrive and leave but it was from a different dock and the woman specifically said to wait on the one I arrived on. I found someone to ask and of course that was my boat. This little wizened old man did something I never woulda thought possible, he phoned the captain on his mobile and got him to come back for me! How brilliant!

In the afternoon I found a little deserted bit of coast near the hotel and went into the sea. God it was so warm! I floated there looking out at the horizon and just used the time to be at peace.

Almost the whole of the next day was spent there too, but I did get adventurous in the evening and wandered up the beach till I found a little shack that was packed with both Thai's and foreigners. I got a seat and was soon eating the most delicious Padh Thai ever, and it cost pennies!

The place I stayed at - Phi Phi Natural Resort is in the most amazing setting, and the staff and resources are terrific, however the mark-up on food and drink is kind of obscene. It might even be ok if the food were good, but it wasn't. Shame really.

I Am Sailing

So then, I arrived on (in) Phuket yesterday afternoon and was met at the airport by my old mate Pete Harris. I didn’t recognise him at first and he didn’t recognise me! It was brilliant to see him again and to meet his fabulous wife Boom, which has to be the coolest name ever!

Pete used to run a series of comedy nights under the banner Screaming Blue Murder and he is responsible for my doing my only ever Edinburgh Festival run. Back in 1999 I was part of The Big Value Comedy Show. It was there that Stephen K Amos and I bonded - he was the MC - and 11 years later we’re still great pals.

Anyway, Pete lives in (on) Phuket now, and was kind enough to come and pick me up. He drove me to my hotel for the night, the Thavorn Grand Hotel in Phuket Town. I can imagine when it was built it was the last word in luxury, sadly that must have been at least 30 years ago. It was clean and my room was massive and the staff were lovely so there ya go. Even Ricky Martin has stayed here, so La Vida Loca was definitely on the cards!

Not for me tho. I did go out for the most amazing seafood dinner on a pier with Pete, Boom and Boom’s mum. It was almost a disaster as the plastic chair I sat in slowly began to disappear down a hole in the pier! We moved along a bit and I avoided being thrown into the Andaman sea!

Today I risked it again as I took the ferry to Phi Phi Don. I figured it’d be a nice big, sturdy ferry, and the first boat was. Unfortunately the closer we got to the island the smaller the boats we were transferred onto! I was terrified! Mind you as I removed my trainers to walk up to my resort here, I was feeling pretty good about myself. Another fear faced and overcome.



So here I am writing this in my gorgeous beach hut,


I’ve sunbathed, swum and had dinner, this truly is paradise! And guess what, tomorrow I’m going on the longboat to Phi Phi town! I’m a regular queen of the sea!

Bangkok Baby!!!!!!

So much has happened since my last blog that I’m gonna work my way back from the present. It’ll make life easier I think.

I’m writing this from my “superior suite” at the hotel I’ve been staying at in Bangkok since my arrival on Monday afternoon. Once again I made most of hotels choices from the excellent site www.Sawadee.com and this first one,The Heritage, is ideal for someone only here for a couple of days. Its within walking distance of PatPong night market (and the multitude of girlie bars behind the dodgy handbags).

There’s a SkyTrain station right outside which is essential if you don’t wanna spend hours sitting in the phenomenal Bangkok rush hour which seems to be 24 hours long every day. The air conditioning on the trains is icy and brilliant and just what you need with this humidity.

The last time I came here I weighed in excess of 20 stones. It was four years ago and I was on the waiting list for my gastric bypass. I can still recall the horrors of the flight, my fat ass squeezed into an economy seat for 11 hours was torture. I was also an extremely committed smoker then so the nicotine withdrawal added to my misery. The flight was also like an outtake from Cocoon, peopled with about 300 silver haired men, an assortment of Thai brides taking their western husbands home, me and my fat ass, and Chico from X-Factor who was on one of those paid for holidays that C-listers organise so that photos can appear in a selection of glossy celeb mags.

This time, my seat felt positively spacious! Thanks to my 18 months of yoga I was bendy enough to be able to curl up in it and sleep for 6 of the 11 hours. The rest of the time was spent catching up on movies. I watched Precious and The Blind Side and wept at both without any shame. The rest of the occupants were the same as last time - at least they looked the same, I suspect it was a new cast of characters as the previous ones were long dead no doubt!

Within an hour of checking in I was back out on the street exploring the area on foot, and within 4 hours I was the proud owner of a new “Chanel” handbag and a fabulous gold “Rolex”. Gotta love the bling baby!

In the days leading up to my trip I was following the news reports of the Million Man March of Red Shirts who were descending on Bangkok for a big rally on Sunday. I wasn’t sure if I would be flying into a war zone or not! I have to say, I’ve been here a couple of days and have yet to see a single red shirt! Did see a lovely red Louis Vuitton handbag tho!

Yesterday morning I was up and out early after my healthy breakfast of fruit. It was 39 degrees celsius, and I felt every one of those degrees just walking across the road to the sky train! Two stops later I was at the river side and boarding the ferry. For a grand total of 3 baht I was taken across and hopped into my first ever Tuk Tuk! What an adventure that is! I didn’t get in one last time cos I felt I was too big. Ironically I’d have been way more comfy. My boney ass was aching with every pothole!

I went to Wat Arun. It was my first time here and I always felt I’d missed out by not coming last time. Turns out not really. Its one of those places that’s more stunning from a distance. The stupas are a testament to the patience of the builders, but it seemed that the shrines were an afterthought.



I hopped on another ferry right outside and that took me to my favourite temple in the world (of the ones I’ve seen so far) Wat Pho. The enormous reclining Buddha was as glorious as I remembered it, the mother of pearl mosaic on his feet still filled me with awe.



I wandered away from the tour groups and found a deserted little shrine. It was there I was able to say my goodbyes to my dear dear friend Jason Wood, and my Dad. I know now that they are both free from any suffering. I shed some tears and afterwards I felt a warmth in my belly and a general sense of calm. Its all good now.



When I booked this trip, both of them were very much alive and well - as far as we knew at least - and I was more concerned with getting away from the nasty British winter than anything else. The deaths of these two men in the last month have meant this trip is taking on a very different significance. Life and death makes sense here.

Nearly Over...

Are you like me? When you travel abroad do you develop that ‘grass is greener’ mentality? Today I went out for a bit of fresh air and sightseeing, and as I got the U-Bahn to Checkpoint Charlie I was amazed at the kiosks on the train platforms selling beer, fags and porn, yet nobody on the trains were drinking, smoking or wanking - at least not openly!

No sign of Bono or The Edge!

I went through that whole thing of ‘oh everywhere else in the world treats their citizens like adults, unlike our own dear nanny state of the UK, there’s no need to prohibit people from taking drink on the tubes cos people here don’t abuse the trust, etc etc etc’

Then I got off the train at Kochstrasse and there on the platform was the reality. Some of the grossest looking youths I have ever seen, pissed, smoking, lamely attempting to terrorise the regular folks with half-hearted sneers.

The only thing that terrorised me was their appalling dress sense! There was drink spilled all over the benches where they were sitting, and smashed glass everywhere. It’s kinda reassuring to know that there are assholes everywhere, and at least ours aren’t as ridiculously horrific looking as the ones here in Berlin!

Even tho it is Boxing Day, everywhere is open, apart from the big chain stores. Museums, galleries, the zoo, not to mention all of the Christmas Markets which seem to be supplied from the same wholesalers as the ones in the UK. All the traditional German goods are on sale - traditional German carved Giraffes, traditional German Buddhas and the same tradtional German Chinese food as seen in Camden Market. God bless the universal language of tat!

One thing I have noticed is how crowded everywhere is. Of course there are families and lots of couples wandering about, as well as the ‘sad singletons’ like me. What struck me was that none of the couples or indeed the families looked any happier than me! I always imagine that everyone else is having the brilliant, warm. loving family Christmas that I’ve dreamed of my whole life, and that I’m the only one on my own. That’s not the reality at all! It seems even people with significant others can’t bear to be holed up with them for more than 24 hours!

My flight home is very early tomorrow morning, so my time here is coming to an end. In one respect its flown by, and in another way I kind of feel like I’ve been away forever. I feel rested, recharged and relieved that another “festive” period has passed without any major trauma!
When I get back I’ve got yoga and the sales to look forward to, not to mention a potentially wonderful NYE. Yay!

More Berlin Blogging

Its Christmas Day night and I have to say that coming to Berlin was one of my better ideas. I’ve spent the day sleeping, reading, swimming, exercising, eating and drinking. Its been perfect!

Berlin is such an historic city, and I have only scraped the surface of it landmark-wise. I went on a night-time tour and saw all the biggies, Brandenburg Gate, Checkpoint Charlie, the Reichstag, all pretty phenomenal seen from the bus window. I’m sure they’re even better seen close up. Oh well, I might make it out there again tomorrow, if not, I’ll just have to come back won’t I?

Me being me, of course, I have managed to visit just about every single major shopping area in the city! You’d be horrified and concerned if I hadn’t wouldn’t you? As in the UK, a lot of the shops started their sales early, and I purposely brought a small suitcase so that I wouldn’t be tempted to go overboard.

That didn’t mean that I was gonna deny myself a special Christmas present if I saw something that tickled my fancy. I mean, it’d be disrespectful to Berlin not to splurge a bit wouldn’t it? So it was that I found myself in a massive department store called KaDeWe - sort of a German Harrods without all the self-importance - and there in the Prada concession was my little bit of Deutsche handbag heaven.

A fabulous dark brown leather bag, big enough to hold any amount of crap I might ever conceivably need, that was quietly classy not screamingly bling. It had been nearly £2000 and now it was far less than half price, how could I resist? I did try actually, I walked around the entire shop - the largest department store on the Europe mainland, trying to put it out of my mind, but in the end the pull was too great. So there you have it, happy xmas JoJo!

Yesterday on Christmas Eve I was up and out and at ‘em early. The city was due to shut down at 2pm and I wanted to see and do as much as I could. First stop was Berlin Zoo. It’s practically next door to the hotel so would’ve been churlish not to take a look. I’ve never been to a zoo in the middle of a snowy winter before, it’s a pretty desolate experience believe me.

My big thang of course, is monkeys of all shapes and sizes, and to be honest that was the only part of the zoo I was interested in. The baboons were the only ones living outside. They had big old furry coats, and there were loads of em. The big male put on a bit of a show for me - maybe with my black fur coat and hat (fake!) they thought I was a big monkey too! He started barking and it echoed throughout the zoo. The bark brought out a whole tribe who were hiding in one of the caves, one by one they emerged, some of them with the most gorgeous little babies clinging to their bellies and sitting on their backs.

I made my way into the monkey house and was in hog (or should that be primate) heaven! There were chimps, gorillas, gibbons, orang-utans, and an assortment of tiny little pocket monkeys that I’m sure I could’ve brought home with me. It was feeding time and the gibbons could see from their cage the man chopping up the fruit and veg. Boy were they excited! He hand-fed some little spider monkeys and it was a joy watching them each take a piece of fruit, run off and hide it, then come back for another!

Just when I thought I couldn’t absorb any more cuteness, I found a cage with these little Max Wall looking monkeys (I’m not being deliberately ignorant, the names were all in German!). One of them caught my eye and started looking at me from every angle. He ran up his tree and checked out the top of my head, then as he climbed down he mirrored every move I made. If I tilted my head to the right so did he, I felt like my heart would burst with joy! Definitely missed my calling I reckon. Maybe I should re-invent myself as ‘The Monkey Whisperer’!

Anyway, that’s been the real highlight of this trip, I mean the handbag is gorgeous, but the monkeys stole my heart!

Have Yourself a Merry Yada Yada Yada

Sooooo here I am! Christmas 2009 couldn’t be more different to last year.
Last week I was lucky enough to have an entire week of shows at The Glee Club in Birmingham. With recent events in the world of comedy these were the only proper Xmas shows I had, and believe me, they were the best!

I was working with Sean Collins, Adam Bloom and Andy Robinson and every single show - all nine of them in five days - was pure joy. The audiences were awesome, the staff, as always, were delightful, and the city itself was simply wonderful.

On Saturday we hooked up with the comedians who were appearing at Jongleurs and the tales of the shows couldn’t have been more different! It was a great, fun lunch tho.

Apart from the dip in earnings, I have to say that I haven’t missed the other shows at all! In previous years, by the time Christmas actually arrives I’m fed up of tinsel, turkey, and the entire human race! This year I’m feeling really festive!

I’m writing this in my luxury room at the InterContinental in Berlin. It’s my first time in the city and so far I love it. My usual Xmas date had made other plans so two weeks ago I got online and found this trip. Fab flights with Lufthansa from my favourite airport, Heathrow, and five nights in this 5* hotel!

I was actually born in Germany, in a place called Zwiebruken, but this is my first time back in the country since I was five. I vaguely recall traditional Christmases, with snow and choirs and real candles on the trees, and so far I’ve had the snow, the tradition and the choir, no blazing trees yet tho!

I guess most people think I’m odd, mad or brave going away alone at this time of year. I didn’t have to, there were places I could go, but sometimes the loneliest place is in a crowd ya know? This way I get to eat what I want - no turkey, yay! - when I want and where I want. The hotel has a Michelin starred restaurant so my Xmas dinner should be special.

Given the dire travel situation across Europe, I was extremely fortunate too, my flight was only delayed by about 40 minutes, and there are worse places than Heathrow to hang out.
The hotel has an excellent pool, sauna and gym, which I’ve already sampled, fabulous. I can sleep as much or as little as I want, go shopping, sightseeing, or take a stroll through the Tiergarten in the snow.

I went to an awesome Christmas market this evening and had a delicious meal of bratwurst followed by a pancake with cherries, cinnamon and almonds! Mmmmmmm! Might have to go back there! Needless to say I burned it all off at the gym when I got back.

I even had time for a little browse around Galleries Lafayette, which totally threw me. I ended up saying “merci” to the shop assistant instead of “danke”!

Tomorrow will be spent with a bit of art and a few landmarks I reckon, followed by an evening tour of the city complete with gallons of gluwein!

Back In One Piece!!!!!!!!

Sooooooo after a month away, here I am sitting back in my Maida Vale penthouse gazing out at the rapidly baring trees. They were full of green leaves before I left!

It actually does feel good to be home. I wasn't desperate to get back, and finances and other commitments permitting would've happily stayed in SE Asia for the rest of my life, but now that I am here there's something to be said for the comfort of your own abode.

I got lucky with the flight home, sadly Dr J's letter did bugger all as apparently you're meant to go into great detail and take it to the Head Office of the Airline before you fly. I also got stung for almost £200 worth of excess baggage as I'd crammed my case with just about everything cos I was feeling a tad too fragile to be schlepping stuff in my hand luggage. My tale of woe carried no clout with the stone-faced witch at check in tho.

Where the letter did come in handy was once I'd boarded the plane, some eight hours later, I showed it to the stewardess who was a princess. She got me a whole row of four seats all to myself! The last time that happened was when I flew to Abu Dhabi on New Year's Day a few years back to do gigs. What this meant was that once I'd had a bit of dinner, I was able to take a hardcore painkiller and two Diazepam and knock myself out. I stretched out, covered myself up with blankets and the next thing I knew I was being woken for breakfast with just two hours of the 13 hour flight left to go. Awesome!

After a bit of omelette and a coffee (not a patch on my Shangri-La breakfast feasts!) I felt a bit sleepy again, so nodded off right until the seat belt sign came on. One of the best flights ever!

As I disembarked, I took at look at the 'flat beds' in First Class and they were way more cramped than my huge plane bed, so for once not getting an up-grade was an enormous blessing.

To add to the joy, when I arrived at Passport Control I remembered that I'd registered for the Iris scan thing on the way - seems like soooooo long ago! - and thus I avoided the massive queue to get back into the country. Do yourselves a favour folks, register! A huge thanks to Mark Walker for telling me about it too.

I got home to a mountain of post, 98% of it junk mail, the other 2% bills. The bliss of coming home! Mind you the tax bill was the right side of not being a nightmare so there's some good news there too.

I somehow managed to carry my hugely overweight case upstairs without ripping anymore stitches, and within three hours I'd unpacked, done two loads of washing, showered and caught up on phone calls to friends and family. Suddenly the last month seemed like a distant memory!

A trip to the bank and the nail parlour was followed by a very quick dip into M&S for milk and some dinner, and the bus home. I was knackered again, so I hit the sack at 4pm and woke at 1am! I got up and cleaned my teeth, took another dose of Diazepam and slept again till 6am!

I've been writing cheques, making appointments and catching up on the minutae of my life since then, but now I am gonna get my stuff together so I can catch a train to Birmingham. I'm there the whole weekend at Jongleurs, and there's a cracking bill, not to mention a couple of good mates at the Glee, so it should be quite a sociable weekend.

Whatever your plans people, have fun!

And Now The End Is Near...

My extended trip to Malaysia appears to be coming to an end. I've checked out of the hotel, settled my bill which was far less than I anticipated, and collected an assortment of painkillers, sleeping pills and medical letters for everyone from my insurance company, to my GP, to the check in desk at Malaysia Airlines.

The latter is the most optimistic in my opinion. Its one from Dr J asking for a medical upgrade. I hope it works cos between you and me the thoughts of sitting in a cramped economy seat - even with the extra room now that I am smaller than I was - for 14 hours is pretty scary. If I sit for more than 30 minutes my legs start to hurt, so gawd knows what a flight to London will do for em!

Other than that, I had my final consulation with Dr Jalil last night - at 10pm! - and he reckons that it will all heal up, its just gonna take time. Yet more lessons in patience eh?

I managed to get everything I accumulated over the month here into my fabulous new case, but my god it weighs a ton! I'm going to the airport early in the vain hope that I can check it in without having to pay excess baggage! I've barely begun to think about how the hell I am gonna get it up the stairs to my flat at 7am tomorrow morning!

I would like to use this space to give props to people like Endang, Noor, Fera, Stella and Jasmine, along with the other GG staff for taking such good care of me and making what's been a 'trying' experience fairly bearable. Cheers girls x

The Home Stretch

So I keep seeing on CNN and BBC World how dreadful the weather is back in London. It was 0 degrees there at the same time as it was 30 degrees here... I have to say, given unlimited finances I'd be staying here till next June at least!

Luckily for me I bought an A Bathing Ape sweatshirt a couple of weeks ago, something tells me I'd better put that in my hand luggage. It's gonna be such a shock when I get home!

I'm still not fully healed but the reality is, I got work to do and bills to pay and as brilliant as it here here in KL unless I find that oligarch before Tuesday evening, I gotta get my ass back to reality.

I saw Dr J again yesterday and gawd bless him he delivered another nine shots of Botox to my face. This was the first time I'd had it concious, and while it hurt a bit, it hurt nowhere near as much as I expected! This is worrying cos it means that in six months' time I'll be looking for someone in the UK to shoot me up. It takes a few days to really kick in but already I'd say I look incredibly refreshed.

There's two tiny holes in the right inner thigh still, the damn stitches just won't hold no matter how little I do, but they're not like they were last time it opened, I can't see any bits you're not meant to see. I guess there will just be a bit of a nasty scar there, still only my gynocologist is gonna see it!

I had a fabulous lunch yesterday with a load of the GG clients, it was great fun and delicious Malaysian food. One thing I did notice as I was holding court and making all the girls with facelifts laugh more than they're meant to, is that there's a huge part of me that misses performing. I'm in Birmingham at Jongleurs next weekend from Thursday onwards and I am really, really looking forward to it!

Even More Monkeys!!!!!!!!!

Even though my wounds aren't entirely healed, I am on the mend and decided to celebrate this fact by getting out of the city centre on Friday. I went on a trip to Kuala Selangor to see the "famous" fireflies.

There were three other GG girls on the trip and our driver Meo was cool even tho we denied him any extra commission by refusing to visit his friends' leather factory and craft shops. The only thing we were interested in was the next part of the trip where we got to go out into the bush and feed some silver leaf monkeys.

I had no idea what this was gonna be like but my inner Dr Doolittle was practically bursting with excitement at the prospect of getting close to some primates. As we pulled up to the feeding area there were thousands of these little critters in the trees, running by the sides of the road and just being completely adorable.

We purchased our 1 Ringitt bundles of what looked like french beans, and suddenly we were the most popular girls in town! These little buggers swarmed all over us! The babies leaping from walls and cars onto our shoulders, the older ones tugging at our clothing to get our attention, all for a stick of this crunchy green stuff.



We weren't the only people there, there were lots of families who seemed to get as much of a kick out of watching us Westerners going ga ga over these animals as they did from the monkeys themselves!

We must have spent about an hour there ( and several Ringitts) and I can honesty say it was the best part of the whole month out here! They all had different personalities, most of them were kinda desperate for the food, grabbing handfuls of it, trying to get into my handbag where I'd stored the stash, one even grabbed me so hard on the arm he broke the skin! I've probably got Monkey Rabies now! Then there were the other ones, the less pushy ones who stood back and when you did feed them, they took it sooooo gently it made your heart melt! These were my favourites of course, but then I always did fall for the runt of the litter!

There were mums with their little ginger babies who were just so adorable and have so many human characteristics that you do realise we are only a couple of genes away from being full brothers and sisters.



There was one who even after the food had run out was quite happy to be stroked and endlessly fascinated with my red nails, examining me intently. He then seemed to decide that my thumbnail was some kind of juicy berry and started pulling it towards his adorable little mouth filled with very sharp teeth. Luckily I pulled my hand away in time or it would've take me a lot longer to type this post!

When Meo came to collect us we were sad to leave but all incredibly glad we'd come. He then drove us along this river as dusk was falling to what looked like a rather grotty little shack on the water's edge. It turned out to be one of the best seafood restaurants I've ever eaten in. The view was pretty spectacular too as you can see.



When the time came to go on the fireflies bit of the trip I was scuppered cos the seat in the boat was so low down I was terrified I might rip my stitches again, and as its only four days till I'm due to fly home I realised it would be a really stupid thing to do. I wasn't the only one to bottle it, so while one brave Aussie girl went out into the Mangrove swamps, myself and the other two sat on the dock and teased the boys. Much more fun!

By the time I was dropped back at the Shangri La at 10pm I felt amazing. Tired, but really really happy!

Monkeys!!!!! At Last!!!!!!!!!!

So I finally got to see me some monkeys, albeit rather sad looking ones, at the Negara Zoo. I went on Tuesday afternoon and while it was 93 degrees I wasn’t overly hot! I guess shedding that fat really has made all kinds of a difference eh? It sure felt good to have the sun on my skin as I wandered around the place in a sleeveless top.



The zoo itself made me realise just how amazing London Zoo is, and while they are never the ideal environment for animals to live in, some go a whole lot further than others to make life as good as possible for them.



There were two pretty sad and bored looking elephants,

while the giraffes and rhinos seemed chipper enough. The orang-utans, all four of them, looked spectacularly bored, especially the one who seemed to have gotten stuck on his own in this kinda glass performance space. He just endlessly circuited the space, doing the same things over and over. It was heartbreaking actually. It really made me wish I’d made it to Borneo to see them in a much healthier environment.



The three rather ancient chimps didn’t seem to be having a whole lot of fun either, tho in both cases I guess it could just have been the heat that made them so listless, tho I suspect that’s my Pollyanna side coming through.

Talking of cheeky monkeys, I am rather bemused by the whole Russell Brand/Jonathan Ross media storm that’s blown up back home. I saw footage of Russell’s resignation on BBC World today, which I have to say he looked rather pleased about. I guess with the movies and telly stuff he’s got going on in the states, losing a Radio 2 Saturday evening show isn’t exactly career ruining stuff.

Jonathan Ross has a lot more lose I guess, but I really don’t think he should have to resign, in fact I don’t think he should be suspended. It was a laugh, two boys egging each other on, and they got a bit carried away.

Everyone is going on like the pair of em raped some underage virgin from the valleys type. The girl knowingly fucked Russell Brand and unless she’d been kept in a cave away from all media for the last five years, would’ve known that he isn’t the most discreet man you can shag! Its not like she’s a nursery teacher and her career is ruined. She’s a burlesque dancer in a troupe called the Skanky Sluts or something!

Yet there she was, done up like Divine on a work night on the BBC saying how great it was that these two men might have their careers ruined cos of what they did. And no doubt hoping she could parlay sucking the reknowned ex-drug addict’s cock into some kind of media career for herself now that the whole burlesque fad is wearing thin.

I do kinda feel sorry for Manuel, who I think has handled it all with great dignity, it can’t have been easy to hear what a nasty ho your granddaughter is!

(No) Sex And The City

Ooooh I am feeling very Carrie Bradshaw right now, sitting at an outdoors table at Starbucks in the KLCC Twin Towers shopping mall in Kuala Lumpur, watching the people and the dancing fountains, and sipping on a Frappucino.



Yep, still here folks, and now that things finally seem to be healing I am beginning to really acclimatise myself to this city. It hasn’t rained for days now, and the temperature just keeps creeping up and up towards 100 degrees (farenheit obviously, it never seems as hot in celsius!).

I’ve been getting out and about a whole lot more. Doing more walking and even a little bit of exercise - nothing that affects my legs or midriff in a negative way of course - but doing some stretching, some bicep curls using the small bottles of mineral water as weights, stuff like that. Feels good. After the hell of last week I feel like I’m coming back to life.

A big part of that of course is doing a bit of shopping. I’ve been seeking out the cooler shops and looking for stuff I would actually wear back home, as opposed to the 20 Ringit Kaftans which I now realise were a total ‘sun on the back of the head’ purchase. Still, they’ll make good nighties, if I wore nighties.

I got a fabulous pair of Adidas retro trackie bottoms tho, not even fake - real ones! - they look like a pair of kid’s ones they’re so tiny but now that most of the swelling has gone down they fit brilliantly! I also got a wonderful pair of skinny jeans from Zara (see? I am so not going native any more!) which are size 8 with no stretch in em, unlike the size 6 Uniqlo ones I wear back home.

These are just proper denim and they are loose on the butt and thighs and not even tight on the waist! Best of all, when I sit down in them there’s no overspill of loose flesh cascading over the top!!!! It feels really weird. I keep looking down at myself and wondering who the hell this body belongs to! I have never had a figure like this before, the only bit of me - apart from my fabulous tits - that sticks out is my belt buckle!!!

I saw the amazing Dr J yesterday for a check up and while the wounds are not completely dry, they are healing really well now, thank god, he said he was glad I wasn’t flying out yesterday, cos now he could monitor it right to the end of the healing process. I said I was glad about that too - especially as I keep seeing pictures on BBC World News showing snow and people bundled up! - and that I reckoned I should get some free Botox to erase the signs of trauma of the previous week. He smiled and said ok, so on Saturday I’ll be getting rid of the wrinkles round my eyes and the “laughter” lines round my gob apparently.

Sometimes it pays to be cheeky eh?

While I Am Being Positive...

Another bright spot is a selection of American telly that I never see at home, and while I would far rather be winging my way back home to my loved ones this week, there’s a part of me that’s a bit happy that I’ll catch another couple of episodes of The Celebrity Apprentice. They’ve got Gene Simmons from Kiss on it along with Piers Morgan who everyone calls “Pierce” - maybe cos he’s a bit of a prick eh? Anyway I am mesmerised by both Gene and the Donald’s elaborate hair creations! It must be amazing to be so rich and/or famous that you can wear your hair like a cunt and no-one tells you!

Another show that has me spellbound in its awfulness is The Moment of Truth, where members of the public humiliate themselves and their loved ones for large chunks of cash - up to half a million dollars. Its the kind of confession show that Jerry Springer used to do, but now the punters have wised up and sell their souls for cash as well as a chance to appear on television.

A little treat I had this morning was turning on the tv as I woke up and seeing my old mate Lee Mack in a show with Frasier aka Kelsey Grammer. Sadly it was the end of the show but the closing credits were really cool - Tim Vine, John Archer, Karen Taylor, all British comedians making a US show. I remembered as I woke from my Diazepam haze that they sold the rights to The Sketch Show to the US a few years ago, and that Lee was the only one chosen from the British cast to appear in it. Nice to see the others got writing credits at least - and some cheques with lots of zero’s on them I hope!

Things Are Getting Better

Soooo it’s not been all doom and gloom here in Kuala Lumpur. I’ve been having a ton of fun at the night market in ChinaTown.

Louis Vuitton seems to be the most copied of all the designer handbags, and the quality ranges from the passable to the downright fucked up! I bought an exquisite example of the latter as you can see below.



Its meant to be a version of the Richard Prince “Jokes” bag from last season but the fakers’ english isn’t so hot. From a joke to a really BAD joke! I love it!

I’ve also treated myself to a selection of watches - brands that I don’t even covet the real versions of somehow seem attractive when they cost a tenner, like this Franck Muller “Crazy Time” watch. As you can see the numbers are not in sequence and the hands fly all over the place! Thank god I ain’t drinking or I’d never be able to work out the bloody time!

This Just In ...

Sooooooo this morning I woke up and realised as I took my shower that there was no way I was gonna be healed enough to get the plane home on Wednesday. Stella the nurse came by and confirmed my thoughts. I am healing just not healing super-fast.

I called the owner of the company and asked to meet with her. She was here at the hotel pretty quickly and I explained my thoughts and fears. Tomorrow is Deepawali and practically a full on Bank Holiday here, so if any changes were gonna be made to my travel and accommodation plans, it really needed to be sorted out today.

She'd already rung Dr J, bless her, so we headed off to see him at the hospital. I am now on such good terms with everyone there I've been invited to the staff dance! He said I should defer my return by at least a week, and I have to say that tho a part of me was disappointed (there's times you really don't wanna be right, you know?) there was another part of me that was just relieved. Fourteen hours in economy is ok when you're fit and healthy but right now sitting for more than 20 minutes is bloody painful!

Louise, got right on the case ringing the airline and speaking to the hotel. There's no availability on a flight out till the 4th of November, which is a week from Tuesday, and the hotel have done a deal so that I can stay on here till then. Its a bit longer than I would've liked and now I am losing work, but I should be well and truly healed by then!

Let's hope so eh folks?

On The Brighter Side...

... of all my recent traumas.

It appears I have got a free designer vagina from all the re-tucks he's had to do on the inner thighs! That's saved about a grand on surgery!

The other good-ish news is that no new holes have appeared for three whole days! Mind you I have practically been bed-ridden the whole time apart from a little trip out to get my nails done yesterday after seeing the doc.

Four days till I'm due to fly home, let's hope the healing continues eh?

Mind The Gap

Tuesday morning I was awake at 7am, my eyes all swollen from the tears, and just feeling about as depressed and scared as I have ever felt. When you catch people out in one little lie, its very hard to trust anything they tell you isn’t it? Imagine catching them out in several and still having to put your life in their hands, not a pleasant prospect I can assure you!

I got showered and dressed. Trousers and a sweatshirt cos the day ward is as cold as Siberia! I couldn’t wear my shoes cos there was no-one to help me do them up, so I’d have to put up with cold feet.

I was collected right on time and taken to the hospital. I said I felt that I should be taken to a private room, rather than that nasty day ward, and to her credit Jasmine had arranged it by the time we got there. At least I was among familiar faces on this ward, and the air conditioning wasn’t set to Arctic!

When Dr J came by, I said I couldn’t see the point in sewing me up again and releasing me back to the hotel right away, as even if I didn’t leave the room, I’d have to get up to go to the toilet etc. He said it was ok. I have to say I didn’t agree with him, but I was also aware of my tendency to become an “instant expert” on everything so I bit my tongue and didn’t argue. After all, he’s the one who studied medicine for years!

There must’ve been quite a few emergencies cos I didn’t get into the operating theatre till gone 1pm and while nerves prevented me from feeling hungry, I was thirsty as hell, not having had even a sip of water since 10pm last night!

As this was my third time being given general anaesthetic in less than two weeks, its safe to say I’ve built up a nice little phobia about it now. The pain it causes when they stick the shunt in your hand, the even greater pain as the cold drug eases it’s way through your veins before it finally knocks you out, all horrible stuff and I went under shaking and crying like a baby!

The next thing I knew I was back in the recovery room, feeling incredibly sore! I don’t know what he did, but it was a helluva lot more than he did last time!

They took me back to my private room, it was gone 3pm by then, so no way I was gonna be back at the hotel before 5pm. I asked one of the nurses what time I’d get out and she said tomorrow. I was confused to say the least, but the long and short of it is, apparently I was right! It did make more sense to put a catheter in and confine me to bed for 24 hours to give the skin a chance to knit together. Of course I was completely unprepared for a prolonged stay in hospital, but a couple of morphine injections dealt with that! I slept right through till Wednesday morning, yay morphine!

So, apparently he’s sewn and re-sewn every hole, with both internal and external stitches, I’m confined to the hotel for a couple of days and on vallium to help me sleep. I feel a lot better than I did on Monday night/Tuesday morning but that’s probably down to Mother’s Little Helper. The fact is as of today I have less than six days to heal completely or I will have to extend my stay, as I know full well that no NHS doctor will help me at home and I reckon I’d be hard pressed to find a private one who’d touch it either.

It’s a lesson I’ve needed to learn I guess. In spite of what the websites tell you, this is serious major surgery, not a holiday where you’re just ‘getting a bit of work done’. All too often it’s dressed up as no more serious than getting your nails done, but it is more serious as I’m finding out, and the fact that this is something I chose to have done to myself only makes it worse, you know? I feel like a stupid, vain, bimbo for believing the b/s on the website and for wanting the work done in the first place. Maybe in a few weeks’ time when its all healed and this pain is just a memory, I’ll think differently, but right now I have to say this is the biggest regret of my life.

Having said that, I recall years ago looking at a photo of Naomi Campbell in a bikini and seeing that gap at the top of her thighs. I didn’t know people had thighs that didn’t at least meet, if not rub together! I remember five years ago telling my personal trainer my sole target was a gap like Naomi Campbell’s.

Well folks, guess what? I’ve got the gap! But at what price?

Just When You Think It Can't Get Any Worse...

...It does.

Soooo Monday was make or break day regarding my trip to Borneo, and I have to say, even tho I was trying my damnedest to be positive, as holes were appearing left, right and centre on my thighs - including the bits that had been re-stitched on Friday! - I was doubtful I’d make it to the monkeys.

I had time to kill before I went to see Dr Jalil, so I ventured off to Central Market. This was on my list of things to see, and if I did go off to Sabah in the morning this would be my last chance.

It was fantastic. Basically its an indoor craft market selling the kind of tourist tat I hadn’t seen anywhere else. Carved wooden animals and Buddha heads galore! There was tons of batik at about 5 times the price it is in Sunghei Wang, but then this whole market is for tourists. What they did have that was extremely cheap, was one of those ‘Fish Spa” places! This one was RM5 (about a quid) for 10 minutes of the little critters nibbling at you. Best of all you didn’t have to sit on the floor, you sat in a chair! I could do that, so I went for it!



Its the weirdest sensation, like a million tiny electric shocks as these toothless fishies nibble away at the dead skin on your feet and legs. They had a right old feast on the mosquito/bed-bug bites on my feet and now they don’t itch anymore! Apart from that, all I got was a load of incense cones to bring home. I had another little wander round the market in Chinatown which is just around the corner, and got caught in one of the all too frequent downpours. The one thing nobody seems to sell at this market is umbrellas!

Before I knew it, it was time to go see Dr J. When I got into his office, he took the dressings off and the hole in my right thigh had doubled in size from this morning, and once again I could see the bits of flesh you’re not meant to see on your own body! I burst into tears cos without him saying it, I knew there was no way I’d be boarding that plane tomorrow.

The joke was he said I could go and have my beach holiday, as long as I didn’t go anywhere near the beach...not a whole lot of point then eh? I said getting this sorted before I go home next week was waaaaaay more important, as I know full well that getting treatment in the UK will be a nightmare!

He said that the best thing was for me to fast again and he would sew it all up again in the morning. Like that filled me with confidence!

I left his office and went down to the reception, grabbing a coffee on the way. Louise, the owner of Gorgeous Getaways, came to see me and reassured me that everything would be ok. The fact is, none of its ok really, is it? Since I have been here, I have heard from three different people who work for the company, that every single patient who has had a thigh lift has had complications and needed to be re-stitched at least twice, some of them more than four times! Why on earth would anyone who knew that, tell a client that they’d be fit to go on a three hour flight to a beach resort 10 days after surgery?

Luckily for me, I had booked to stay in another Shangri La hotel up in Rasa Ria, so with a bit of luck the accommodation could just be transferred. Getting a refund on the £150 I spent on flights would be a matter for my travel insurance - if I was covered. I know who I think ought to be reimbursing me for that!

Back at the hotel I decided to move rooms as I was gonna be here another eight days. I’d spent a week listening to non-stop drilling and hammering from 8am to 8pm in my old room, and if I was gonna be confined to bed I wanted to be somewhere quiet. It also made more sense to pack and move tonight than when I’m fresh outta hospital tomorrow.

They gave me one of the swish rooms up in the Horizon club again, as long as its quiet I really don’t care what it’s called, tho the view up here on the 25th floor is rather amazing.

I was exhausted by the time I’d unpacked again, too tired for much more than a couple of mouthfuls of dinner. When I got back to my new room and undressed, I noticed yet another tear in the stitching on my left leg, a hole about two inches long, just as well I cancelled!

I’m not ashamed to say I cried myself to sleep. Suddenly this all seems like a really, really bad idea.

It Never Rains ...

Cept it does eh?

Soooo Friday morning I was taken into the hospital to get my inner thighs restitched. I was a day patient so there was none of the VIP treatment I got this time last week. I was given a paper gown and hat and kinda left to my own devices really. I was due to go to surgery at 10 am, but they had an emergency - a baby with a broken arm poor little mite - so it was 10.45 before I was walked through to the operating theatre. I managed to persuade them to let me leave my toenail polish on - its such an outdated and unnecessary procedure!

The put the needle in the back of my hand once I’d got myself settled on the table - I’m getting quite a nice collection of bruises on there now! - once it was in, a dose of painkiller was administered swiftly followed by the knock-out drops. Next thing I knew I was back on the day ward and all I could hear was the cackling of the nurses in their staffroom just the other side of my curtain, they sounded like a bunch of hens in the henhouse!

By 2.30 I was getting dressed and heading down to reception to meet with Jasmine and Richard the driver. I had some time before they arrived so I treated myself to a piece of baked cheesecake and a coffee - I was starving! Luckily I wasn’t sick, so it was all good.

I came back to the hotel via the supermarket where I picked up some juices and stuff and got caught in one of the daily downpours. The rain felt amazing on my skin, its been a looooong time since I felt hot rain!

I slept off the after-effects and that was Friday kinda gone really.

Saturday saw me up early for a check on the dressings/wounds, followed by a GG lunch. We were taken for a traditional Malaysian meal, and my goodness it was delicious!!!!! This is the first proper Malay food I’ve had since I got here and I loved the way it was spicy, with a million different sensations on the tongue but not hot for the sake of being hot. Great stuff.

I also got to meet some of the other women who are out here getting work done. It would appear I’m the only Brit, the rest are Kiwis and Aussies and all of em were good fun and great company. I ended up going shopping with two of them for the rest of the day!

First up we hit Sunghei Wang shopping mall, I wanted some more of the RM 20 frocks for my trip to Sabah next week. All the stuff I brought with me is light-coloured and at the moment that’s out of the question with all this ‘fluid’ that’s leaking. The others wanted to check out Bargain Central so off we went.

I got the batik frocks, one purple, one brown and one black/white. I needed a few other bits and pieces, the anti-biotics have given me another dose of thrush and I’m constipated. As I queued at the till in Watson’s the chemist with a box of Dulcolax laxitives and Canesten Combi, I remarked that these possibly were the worst two items to be holding in public if you were trying to meet guys. I said, all I need is some Zovirax for the potential husband to be to realise that all three holes were out of action!

It was such a great day, learning about each other, laughing and teasing - I really, really enjoyed their company! We even had dinner together in Chinatown in between buying tons of fake designer crap. I must say I am getting a rather impressive collection of faux Tiffany bracelets and my Louis Vuitton swimming shorts are to die for!

So after a perfect day with the girls, I was pleasantly worn out when I got back to my room. As I undressed, I felt a twinge in the back of my left leg, and when I looked in the mirror, there was a whole new patch of blood on a different part of my leg. Not again! I was less fearful more frustrated. Was I just gonna keep on tearing??? I got on the phone to GG Jasmine, the poor girl was fast asleep! Had it not been two days away from me going to Sabah for the holiday part of my trip I doubt I would’ve said anything till I saw the nurse in the morning, but I was a bit scared of infection and stuff.

The next call I got came from her boss Lennie, who arranged for the wonderful Endang to come over and take a look at what was going on, and about 30 minutes later she arrived, bless her.

I’d been too scared to take the compression garment off and take a look by myself cos if I’d seen another gaping hole I’d have flipped right out. As it turned out I hadn’t half ripped my leg off, there was a little hole there tho.

Endang cleaned it up and patched me up with some gauze and by 3am I finally got to sleep.
This morning after a shower and breakfast, I was taken again to the hospital where I saw Dr Jalil again This man never gets a day off! Louise, the owner of GG also came along to make sure everything was ok.

Dr J told me there was nothing to worry about, tho by now of course I am worried, this part of my leg was healed, so if nine days after surgery a hole can appear, what chance do I have for the rest of my wounds? I keep being told that this isn’t that uncommon but ya know, it’s my body, this is me it’s happening to, and I am thousands of miles from home! The scariest part of all of this is not even having to cancel my monkey time but the fear that it’s not healed by the time I’m due to get on the plane home, I can’t go, cos an NHS doctor won’t touch me!

I was however, pretty reassured by Dr Jalil, bless him. I was also relieved to hear that he has a colleague up at Kota Kinabalu, where I’ll be staying, there’s a GG rep there too, so as long as my leg doesn’t actually fall off I should be ok!

Endang and Louise brought me back to my room and after they left I set to sorting out clothes to take with me to Borneo, and clothes to leave behind, eg all the light coloured stuff basically! It’s gonna be a blast to travel light!

To add icing to a pretty shitty cake, I went to the loo only to find I was having my second period in as many weeks. I thought menopause meant never having to buy any tampons! It really is all I need right now! I slung one of my kaftans on - they are such a blessing! - and got a cab to the Pavillion shopping centre. I got what I needed from Watson’s, had a wander round the designer shops, had a coffee and a doughnut, then had a good old look around Forever 21. This is the American chain of shops that’s kinda like Primark in price and selection. It was fabulous, but all I got were two funky little shirts for about £5 each, so actually a bit more expensive than Primark.

I jumped a cab and got back to the hotel about 30 seconds before the rain started - it was 4.45, see predictable! - and almost immediately my phone rang. It was Endang, she was in the lobby with Noor and Louise. They came up and checked on my wounds, the inner thigh has opened up yet again but doesn’t seem to be leaking unnecessarily, I have to see Dr J again tomorrow evening, so to be really honest, everything is up in the air till then.

They left and I hit the sack to catch up on some of the sleep I missed out on last night. I got a couple of hours in which sure helped.

I have to mention a cracking book I’m reading at the moment. It’s called Kill Your Friends and its written by someone called John Niven. It’s about a psychotic A&R man in the early 90’s, and its a fantastic read! Micky Flanagan recommended it to me and I’m so glad he did!

Yet More Glitches!!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up in a way better mood today, and was ready to go out exploring after the nurse and masseuse had been and done their thing. After breakfast I showered and as I was rubbing body lotion into my legs I notice that what had been a tiny little hole yesterday was a gaping wound about 2 inches in length today!

OK, now I was scared. Yesterday it was just an inconvenience, but there’s something about being able to see the bits of you that are under your skin when you’re thousands of miles from home and alone, that will turn the toughest old bird into a blubbering 6 year old! I rang Jasmine, my rep, and got her answering machine. That only made me panic more - its quite fascinating how quickly I can go from being strong, in-control JoJo to scared shitless Jo-Anne!

I rang Endang and thank god, she and Noor were just on their way up to my room. Noor took a look at the hole in my leg and got on the phone. She then cleaned it up as well as the other inner thigh that had also begun to bleed - jeez! - and padded them with gauze. Fifteen minutes later I was in the people carrier on my way to the hospital again.

Apparently today was Dr Jalil’s weekly day off but he was driving in to meet me. I was seriously trying to imagine that happening in the UK - either NHS or Private and couldn’t! He turned up a few minutes after we did and checked me out. The long and short of it is, I’m going back in as a day patient tomorrow to have both inner thighs re-stitched. They’ll knock me out but I will only be a day patient.

He’s also gonna drain off all the excess fluid, which is probably the cause of the tear in the first place. My belly is like a waterbed. You tap it and the ripples run right across it! The thighs are also incredibly full of fluid, and anyone who knows me will tell ya, even at 20 stones I never had fat, saddle-bag thighs! I keep thinking of a gag Gina did on tour - my pom pom look phat!

I was brought back to my room, which is where I’ve spent the rest of the day. I’m gonna go down to the lobby now so that I can post these blogs...just in case I don’t get out tomorrow afternoon as planned.

Glitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday started off great! I woke up and dashed down for my two strawberries dipped in chocolate from the fountain. I have healthy stuff too, and I’m telling myself that the strawberries will help me heal. It’s bollocks I know, but my god it tastes divine!

I showered after that and waited for the nurse to come. She was right on time bless her, from there the day went downhill. She noticed that part of the wound on my inner thigh had come open, a stitch or two had come loose, and she reckoned I ought to get over to see Dr Jalil as soon as I could. She cleaned it all up and got me dressed, then Richard the driver arrived to whisk me across town. En route we picked up another nurse who sat with me while we waited for our turn to see the doc. I wasn’t overly concerned but hey, better safe than sorry eh? The 90 minute wait to see him - his waiting room was packed when we arrived - didn’t thrill me but I was glad to be seen at such short notice.

He took a good look and said there was nothing to worry about, the hole was so small it would probably close on it’s own, but if I was concerned I should call him at any time. We left his office and I got them to drop me at the Pavillion shopping mall. There was a GG get -together at the “Fish Spa” there in an hour’s time so no point going back to the hotel, even tho I was a bit knackered. The “Fish Spa” is one of those places where you put yer feet in a fish pond and the little buggers nibble all your hard skin away! It sounds insane and I was really looking forward to it.

The shops there are really fabulous, and I found myself drawn to Shanghai Tang. The sign in the window saying “Sale” might have had something to do with it! The stuff was fabulous, I could’ve bought tons, but I limited myself to a gorgeous black patent leather wallet with their logo embossed in silver on the front and a pair of jade green sunglasses that were just so over the top I had to have em! I got a lovely surprise at the till when they informed me there was 20% off them, yay for sales!

I was on a bit of a shopping frenzy but thank god didn’t have the time, I was dying for a coffee and found a wonderful coffee place with seats outside in the sunshine - I had to have a reason to wear the new glasses didn’t I? I treated myself to some pistachio ice cream too. Not sure of it’s nutritional value but it sure tasted good! By the time I’d savoured that, it was time for the spa.

The other GG clients were already getting on with it, so I didn’t get introduced to them, but they all looked friendly enough. Sadly that’s all I can tell you cos once I looked at how the whole thing worked I couldn’t understand why I’d been encouraged to go along. You had to crouch down on the floor then dangle your legs in the pool, bearing in mind that I cannot bend more than waist height, and the kind of surgery I had four days ago, I would’ve thought my rep would’ve realised it was totally unsuitable! I got my dosh back and buggered off back to the hotel, more than a little pissed off. So far today I’ve spent 3 hours waiting for other people for no apparent benefit.

As it turned out I came back at the right time cos about 10 minutes after I got to my room the heavens opened in a way I’ve never seen ever before, not even Hong Kong last year when Pierre Hollins had to buy a whole new outfit cos he was so wet! Not even ever in Manchester have I seen raindrops this big and this profuse! The sky blackened and the thunder and lightening followed. I looked down as the traffic outside came to a full stop in both directions - why does it always start raining at rush-hour here? Still the predictability is nice, I reckon we’d cope a lot better in the UK if we knew it was gonna be hot till about 4pm then piss down till 8pm then hot and dry again for the evening!

I got a call from Endang, they were stuck in the traffic and were gonna be at least an hour late for the massage. I’m ashamed to say I was a bit short with her - a mix of the day’s fuck-ups and the old menopausal grouchiness, topped off with the fact that I’ve gotten sooooooo used to being on my own and taking care of myself that relying on anyone for anything seems fraught with disappointment. Wow! I’m learning about myself here. Must be something in that coming to this part of the world to ‘find yourself’ cliche. Now all I need to do is remember to chill the fuck out!

I have to say that there is something very universal about humour. Endang is from Bali and her English is a gazillion times better than my Balinese, but there’s a slight language barrier there. However, funny is funny in any language and her and I are on the same wavelength. She soon had me out of my strop, gawd bless her!

After the massage it was more sauna, scran and sleep, the days are just racing by!